Four

I don't even know.

My body just feels like it betrayed itself.

You know, everything that could go wrong has kind of gone wrong.

Blood pressure. Kidneys.

What else? Everything.

Strength reduction. Wound dressings. Abdominal surgery.

And yet I still hold faith.

So, I appreciate privacy and prayer as I try to work through this. Because I don't have answers.

Shit.

There was no dignity in that death.

This third hospital stay broke my spirit. It robbed me of my humanity. Every day I felt that jail close in on me. Blood was taken 118 times without my consent. I was limited mobility in a bed that didn't fit my body   Just treated like a catered being.  I asked for a chaplain and mental health support. In the two weeks I was there it never happen. I mostly sat in my own misery. Tubes down my throat. Not being able to communicate. Unfamiliar with the pain that attacked my body.  These wounds physically manifesting


When u get out of surgery your family doesn't get contacted

You could have just died.

As I paint the story of this recovery, over time. I will be u recognizable to u.  This journey is different

She wakes and now there is a walker ...

it is so important to tell your own story. it is the first day living at the hospital for several weeks trying not to die.
I been so so sick I have allowed for no real update.

This is the third time Death has come and has failed.

I dont have much to say because tubes were removed yesterday for me to even talk out loud.
I havent eaten really food in three weeks

I am on the mend.  be patient.  stress can kill and weaken you so please respect my space as I heal.  please dont text me a ton or attack my close friends who know more.

I will update on the blog as I have done.  but yes, this time was the worst.

evening meds are so hard

still retraining my body to be home, to think about eating food, and to take these evening meds

it would be different if they make you fall asleep.  but drugs dont really do that to me.
when they SHOCKED me in the hospital to check my device, and they had to put me under, they were like, we cant believe how long it took you to go under,

yeah, just pain and suffering

i hate medicine

mixing my own poison to treat self

i havent eaten real food in about two weeks.  its bad bc you need food.  i like food.  and to take meds im suppose to eat food

you have to know your own body.
it took days getting home for me to even have the energy to think through what the doctors randomly are prescribing me and giving me.

saturday morning, I think, I THINK i may have done some good by my belly.

but it takes time.

my intestines went through it in the hospital and needed time to chill out and recallobrate
and the right mix of meds

at least im not vomiting nothing anymore!!!

I'm poor, black; I may even be ugly. But dear God! I'm here! I'm here!

quotes from books written by bell hooks and alice walker

when you realize that there are so many fake people in your life.  most the time you dont care, or you are not even paying attention.

sometimes the realness is funny and real:
Lisa when she saw me with my tooth, her response, classic,  clearly im snaggled tooth for now.

fake folks:  how are you?  and when you dont say fine, they are so surprised.

bitch, my body is broken, my heart broke, my insides are screaming and you want me to make you feel good?

nope

im shitty.

if you ask me the question, im going to give you the realest i have in me

my tooth is broken,  I dont have time for you

"The devil whispered in my ear, 'You are not strong enough for the storm.' Today I whispered in the devil's ear, 'I am the storm.'"

suffering teaches you alot about yourself and those around you.
for the ceiling spinning and the sickest times where the bed becomes a welcome tomb.

not sleeping seven days.  not eating 4-5 days.  it takes you the fuck out.

who knows about recovering.

but we can be a storm.
define ourselves

and let others report off of us