evening meds are so hard

still retraining my body to be home, to think about eating food, and to take these evening meds

it would be different if they make you fall asleep.  but drugs dont really do that to me.
when they SHOCKED me in the hospital to check my device, and they had to put me under, they were like, we cant believe how long it took you to go under,

yeah, just pain and suffering

i hate medicine

mixing my own poison to treat self

i havent eaten real food in about two weeks.  its bad bc you need food.  i like food.  and to take meds im suppose to eat food

you have to know your own body.
it took days getting home for me to even have the energy to think through what the doctors randomly are prescribing me and giving me.

saturday morning, I think, I THINK i may have done some good by my belly.

but it takes time.

my intestines went through it in the hospital and needed time to chill out and recallobrate
and the right mix of meds

at least im not vomiting nothing anymore!!!

I'm poor, black; I may even be ugly. But dear God! I'm here! I'm here!

quotes from books written by bell hooks and alice walker

when you realize that there are so many fake people in your life.  most the time you dont care, or you are not even paying attention.

sometimes the realness is funny and real:
Lisa when she saw me with my tooth, her response, classic,  clearly im snaggled tooth for now.

fake folks:  how are you?  and when you dont say fine, they are so surprised.

bitch, my body is broken, my heart broke, my insides are screaming and you want me to make you feel good?

nope

im shitty.

if you ask me the question, im going to give you the realest i have in me

my tooth is broken,  I dont have time for you

"The devil whispered in my ear, 'You are not strong enough for the storm.' Today I whispered in the devil's ear, 'I am the storm.'"

suffering teaches you alot about yourself and those around you.
for the ceiling spinning and the sickest times where the bed becomes a welcome tomb.

not sleeping seven days.  not eating 4-5 days.  it takes you the fuck out.

who knows about recovering.

but we can be a storm.
define ourselves

and let others report off of us

grateful and finally home

imagine the worst pain you been through.  emotional, spiritual, and physical together.  i can only say that this week gave me a great wrestle with DEATH,  Just like when you take your car in, they find something else wrong.

bionic heart, check
intestines are slow, get that fixed so u can eat, check
your heart isnt beating right, we are going to shock you, oh, and out you to sleep, check
your nose is fracture, check
your head got split open, 3 stitches, check
tooth broke twice, check
6 IVs, check,
multiple of blood when i wasnt eating (ever 15 minutes, poked for blood for 12 hours, do the math), check

still not eating...
tired as fuck
cant move, but happy to be home.
thanks to all the homies who had my back and were present or showed up.  I am happy every day to be alive.

integrated health fail dentistry need

when i fell at the union, i HELLA BROKE my tooth.
the attending was not helpful.  thank the LORD for friends who are dentists and have friends to come patch ish up

more feedback I have for my hospital stay

#sharptooth
#landbeforetime
#meateater

Becoming Iron Man: BIG turn in my journey

I did fall out at the union, and it was related to my myriad of health issues.  Thank God there were grad student nurses who called 911 and came to my wounds.
oh wounded.

yes, I chipped a front tooth from the fall.  I fractured bones in my nose.  I have a laceration on my forehead with stitches.  my body aches from hitting the cement.  but I survived.

The EMT arrived and I got to OSU ER, again.

As I got my tooth temporarily fixed, I got all the tests and consults.  I was moved to the Ross this afternoon. (With much drama, but that is another blog)

This time tomorrow I should be a kind of Iron (wo)Man.  I am getting a dual device put in my body to help my heart.

I am okay with this, I have made piece with it.

I will be able to drive in 48 hours but will be in an arm sling for seven days, restrictions for a month to start.

but this rehab and recovery has got to be better than what I been through, Death and back.  Death knocking at the door again.  but I refuse.
Even though my face looks like I was in a fight with Ice Cube's character from Boyz in the Hood, I am confident.

greater is He than me.

but my shoes are dope

oh, I need this cane

I forgot my cane yesterday.
ANd I realized how much  I need it.  the support prevents me from physically wearing all the way out.

well i slept for 12 hours after a no cane day.  which I may have needed, but I had zero strength to fight through it

Toxic People and Relationships

nothing more to say here.

cry in the car/pump yourself up

sometimes you have to encourage yourself, the Word tells us that and I believe it.

these days, I have a little weepiness in car, get it together, and beyonce perform all that ish.

people dont care that you are tired, broken, and barely functioning.  folks are focused mostly on what they get out of you.

(yes there are people who care and friends and family, but they are not your all day life)

I been telling people forever to fake it til they make it

that is so true.

The Track of My Tears (native, pain, and sick)

when you are chronically ill, you perform wellness for folks...until you give zero fucks.  I have hit the zero this week.
i havent felt this bad since I left the hospital.  I have lost ten pounds in four days bc I basically have stopped eating.
the side effects from the latest med is worse than all the others.  the pain from my disease coupled with this GI explosion of every issue and now my body is not absorbing nutrients from the food I am eating.

This affects my energy.  I feel like nothing.  moving hurts.  NOTHING sounds good to eat.   i dont hunger.   i dont thirst.  I have forced myself to eat some things so I can take all these meds, but i am more concerned food is dying in my fridge and being gross than actually eating anything.

and every meeting I make it to, every project I read through I am on fumes.  I am willing myself to do this.  I feel like shit.

I barely made through today.  I am hoping things get on the upswing.

I think of the this song, it is probably the romantic version of "we wear the mask"

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Since you left me if you see me with another girl
Seeming like I'm having fun
Although she may be cute

She's just a substitute
Because you're the permanent one
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears