The Track of My Tears (native, pain, and sick)

when you are chronically ill, you perform wellness for folks...until you give zero fucks.  I have hit the zero this week.
i havent felt this bad since I left the hospital.  I have lost ten pounds in four days bc I basically have stopped eating.
the side effects from the latest med is worse than all the others.  the pain from my disease coupled with this GI explosion of every issue and now my body is not absorbing nutrients from the food I am eating.

This affects my energy.  I feel like nothing.  moving hurts.  NOTHING sounds good to eat.   i dont hunger.   i dont thirst.  I have forced myself to eat some things so I can take all these meds, but i am more concerned food is dying in my fridge and being gross than actually eating anything.

and every meeting I make it to, every project I read through I am on fumes.  I am willing myself to do this.  I feel like shit.

I barely made through today.  I am hoping things get on the upswing.

I think of the this song, it is probably the romantic version of "we wear the mask"

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Since you left me if you see me with another girl
Seeming like I'm having fun
Although she may be cute

She's just a substitute
Because you're the permanent one
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears