every day i am alive is a win

one of my mentors has been reading up about my auto immune disorder.  yes, it can kill me.  that is totally possible.  I had to ask him to stop going down that rabbit hole bc it is a scary path to go.

in the past month my body has wasted away another 15 pounds that I was not trying to lose.
if it is muscle mass, then we know it is a connection to the disorder.  and it is also harder for me to manage that I cannot control.

Im not doing a good job with stress/work management.  That is on me.
As I prepare for another Doctor visit monday, I hope I can do a better job.
That I can get in front of the disease that potentially wants to take my life.

you have to do things afraid.

youre the most compliant patient with life vest

I was rehab'ing next to two ladies today and it was like a therapy group session.  we shared our WAR stories.
I learned some things I have to investigate and ask doctors.  Like "we are increasing your meds to levels to see if you tolerate it" what does it mean?  and since I am maxed out, what does it mean or me to tolerate it?

IS that why I get all the side affects?  I am fighting a different battle of saying yes to some suffering for long term gain?  well bring it on



what was nice was talking to these ladies because even though its not the same situation, we have similar warrior wounds...

"To hold a grudge is like chain smoking hate" word.

forgiveness is always for YOU.
doesnt mean you dont create new structure to be helpful.


this quote was from a year ago and rings really true this week.
keep it moving.

Real House Wives recovers my life

People through around self care.  when you grow up from poverty and develop a chronic disease, you are still like, what is self care?
Why do rich people and therapists keep talking about it.

I still havent bought all the way in even when I suggest it for other people.

But I have to record that real house wives and all my reality TV has been a big part of recovery.

There have been times where my brain was too fuzzy to read or do work that I wasnt suppose to be doing any way.

The redic'ness of these folks lives made me feel pretty good about my own.

yes, all my shit is broken, but i still got like pride, integrity and like real friends.


recovery sometimes has to include what the French call, the art of doing nothing...
and they should know because they have those 25-30 hour work weeks.  hahaha

but for real.  sometimes you just have to be and that is the best medicine

Electric boogaloo

My auto immune disorder positions me to run cold.  Being undiscovered for three years it all makes sense now.  Well this is my third electric blanket.  I burnt out the first two which could be a dirty joke but for real it is from over use from being cold.
I used it for the first time this weekend, yep if its under 70 degrees I want a heated experience.

its nuts bc different room temperatures would make me heat up or sweat.

I just remember what uncle laffy says, "pain reminds you, you are alive"

I am so alive body thanks, we can work on toning it down a bit.

the jail you plan for me is the one you gonna rot in: honor your truth

I spend a lot of time in my own head these days.  The trauma of Death breathing on my three months ago still stings.

When your heart breaks does your Heart break?

Is it the steroids that has lowered my tolerance for people's lies, excuses, and policing of me and others I care about.  ha.  dont even care.

In my former self I really believed in the good in others.  that folks are not trying to stab you in the back.  I believed in best intentions.

But since I almost died, I see EVERYTHING differently. Snakes in the grass.  people trying to sabotage the work you do or even an idea you can have.  wth.

no matter what you do to invest in others and help, you may get trapped by their perceptions or plans for you.  NO

control your destiny.  Protect yourself.  surround yourself with real homies.  fake folks will betray you.

#lessonslearnedwhileinrecovery


and then The Color Purple just takes you there:

The Color Purple: The Jail You Planned for Me...

things that happen to your body (picture of finger ulcer so dont look if you get squeemish )

So what happens with my auto immune disorder, is that if my fingers get to cold I can develop ulcers, or open wounds on my fingers like this one.  they last a long time.  they hurt.  

So that is why you see me in gloves.  Sometimes I do a poor job protecting my hands because its a new thing to always try to wear gloves when your hands are cold.  but this is the result.  dead summer but a hole in my finger anyway.  

still kicking though.