some days are harder than others

I get back from two days of travel to showcase the department, be a keynote and do a professional development for Youngstown State University

besides being past exhaustion and definitely pushing myself to beyond what im physically capable and just doing mind over matter.

I attempted to open a cranberry juice and could not open it.  when my body is fatigued I lose basic things one is able to do... that dexterity goes first.  Its frustrating.

I know I have to do better to take care of my body.  these series of activities I use to be able to handle very easily two years ago.  its hard.  but as a person who has always given and pushed, slowing down at all is such a sense of loss.

I just drank something else.  by the way.

Missing my Mama Pat and in my feelings about it...

I am so happy that the last ten years of Mama's life I was able to have so many planned and unplanned adventures with her.
It has been over a year without her and I have started missing her in a different way.

Mama wasnt the motherly type.  Her pep talks were more for linebackers than ballerinas, but that is why I was built so tough.

But today especially, I missed my mama.
not her fussing me out, but the times she was proud of me when no one was looking.  When ever I was sick she always told me to toughin up

When I was sad about what i didnt have or what we didnt have as a family, she would remind me, " someone has it worse than us"  even standing in food lines.  Or her telling us to clean the house if we were cold in the winter.

She was creative with food, like most mamas of color from poverty.

When I wanted to grow a garden, she let me.  When I wanted to play an instrument, she let me.  IF I could do it on my own, she pretty much let me do it, teaching me autonomy and leadership and I dont think she even knew it.

her parenting methods were unparalleled and so was  her lack of them...

YET still I miss my MAMA.  and being sick, though she wasnt a person to baby me, even as the baby...
though I would grow into adulthood and take care of her...

There is something about being sick every day.  feeling like each day is a struggle to step one foot a head of the other.  a girl misses her mama.

I thank her for her strength and I miss her in my weakness.

So if you are reading, and still have a mama.  store those memories, thoughts, and events.  take lots of pics.  I am so glad I documented everything (like a well trained ethnographer)

three figures that represent me FB challenge? accepted I am NOT maternal

OH why these three you ask:

Mary Poppins is the ultimate life coach.  she was not a mom.  she took care of kids.  she was magical and carried a lot of things in her purse.  between my purse, house and office I am secure I got the mary poppins every thing.  I think her feminism matches mine in the sense of tough love, a spoon full of sugar, and that she pushed against that maternal BS.  caring for people and being a good mentor, coach etc doesnt make you maternal.  we dont say that about men.  STOP it.

Neil.  what else is there to say.  he is the homie. smart in science with a social justice lean.  I like to be interdisciplinary.  he gets me.


HOMIE the clown.  DONT F*ck with me.  its that scholar thug.  we will pop off in this piece like red hot chili peppers...  ok, im gonna blame the steroids.  but for real.  #thugnificent

When the spirit of the Lord comes upon my heart, I will dance like David (holy roller blog)

I got my G-d song back.  I was driving home from church and all His promises came to my memory.
He that wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength like an eagle that sours...

I realized that my song was not gone, but I stopped listening for it in my own sorrow.

Grieving my former self.  not knowing how to move forward.

stifled by circumstance and the physical and mental pain, searching for G-d but not remembering how to listen.  that His Word does not come back in void.  that He Loves me despite myself.
and I am grateful to conquer Death.

As I let it flood over me in waves, I also hear the voice of my therapist who said: put your hand over your heart, and forgive yourself, sending positive energy to the place that is most broken.

my physical and my metaphysical heart.

#praiseHim
#recovery
#inprogress
#heartfailure

Shower time is not adventure time

taking a shower used to be like a highlight.  work out shower.  hard day, take a shower.

shower/bathing is a chore. (shout out to tiffany h. for the shower chair pictured)

closing your eyes under hot water and just being is not a comfort of mine any more.

the meds make me dizzy if I close my eyes and stand, i probably just fall.

So i sit on this chair and have this chore.
NOte: wow bathtub cleaned post this pic, smh

take back a piece of yourself everyday #blackalumnihomecoming

though i threw this outfit together bc last night I didnt realize I didnt have any clothes.
I was out the latest I have been.

pants will make you dance

I finally feel in a good place about pants.
my pocketbook confirms that.

I think that a new wardrobe is part of reinventing a part of yourself.  a type of refreshing.

I have had to let go of the $$$$ hate and body image issues and embrace finding some dresses that fit and to have more than five pairs of pants.

after over 3 hours of shopping so slow with the cane and finding myself exhausted, I realize that shopping REALLY is cardio
and moving forward and not dwelling on the past(so much) is something we just need to do