one sock days

there are some days, where I only have enough in me to get the one sock on.
i try for the other sock, but after three tries I let it go and i put on whatever shoes and do the day.

I cant get frustrated with myself over a sock.

though sometimes I wish I did have a person to help me put on socks.

days that you seem to be sick for no reason but then you remember you almost died 3 months ago

there really are not any words just the lived reality that I will start feeling overwhelming sick for no reason.

Last night I was trying to do work and just was overwhelmed by waves of the wasting of my autoimmune disorder.

i had to sort of lay down and center myself
and as nausea tried to overwhelm me with pain everywhere, I just fought through it.

thinking the whole time that I have to always be ready that I am in the fight for my life every day.

As I take back parts of my old self I have to realize that I am not well.

some days I will have to take a time out.

Musings with Dr. Shuman : REvisiting Joy

Spending time with one of my mentors who really gets me has helped me recenter.  for all that I try to do for others, it was the first time in a while that she was focused totally on what I needed or wanted.

we decided on some academic projects together which really helped me to feel supported bc we were not wallowing in my deficits but we were playing to my strengths.  and I needed that.

Support is not always the talking it out about your problems, some times support is getting redirected and focusing on strengths and what I can do.

some of us need a project and not another reminder that we are broken...

being sorry vs an apology

What I love about prayer and meditation, is that you find yourself back on track sometimes.

I am not prepared to really talk about forgiveness in a way that I have words for, but I remembered this valuable lesson this morning.

Sorry is the empty word we say when we step on a shoe or bump a person.  Or break their pencil.  very simple and sometimes no depth is necessary.

An apology comes with it a commitment to change one's ways.  When I apologize I am committed to changing my behavior as restitution.  I was reminded further to meditate on it by spending time with one of my mentors, Dr. Amy Shuman,
we were at her house noshing and talking and catching up.
As an orphan it is nice to have trusted folks who dont see you as a project per se, but over time you have become part of their family.

She apologized for not being around when I was really down.  But she was abroad and didnt know about it.  Her calling and checking up on me and making sure I am okay in the way she does it was part of this apology, she had a behavior change.

All this reminds me of the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" but performed by Mary J Blige

sorry video

it rocks me to my core every time because the real apology is really hard.

but when you really care about people, you try to do the right thing, even if things are wounded.

being called out of your name... how microaggressions work

Today at 6pm, I was called "a stupid nigger" at the corner of 11th ave and high st.

Every year of my adult life, I am the one who gets called a nigger of some sort EVERY YEAR.

I share this because for us social sciences, this type of racism affects not just the psychology but also our physical health.

In recovery road, I am a big black female body who is left handed (grew up in poverty) and recently handicapped OHHHH and have to deal with racism in my every day life that also affects my health.  The health of folks who look like me.

how can one really get well when this is going against them?  and all the wellness doesnt happen because folks ...like me suffer




https://www.rivier.edu/journal/rcoaj-spring-2007/j88-crocker.pdf

Good short read.

growing up in poverty you value relationships as currency

as orphans and recovering poor kids (coming from poverty) Lisa and I frequently talk about things that are near and dear yet I feel lots of folks dont know about or dont have a language about it.

when thinking about relationships and people, folks from poverty DO generally value relationships above other things.

the corporate or corporate like world runs almost counter to that.  Usually it's folks using relationships for personal gain or take downs.

Loyalty, Compassion.
Ride or Die.

being a private person doesnt mean you have something to hide, it just means you are a private person.

When it comes to my recovery I definitely use the blog to disclose a portion of the journey I am willing to share, the parts that I think ARE funny or interesting or helpful to others.

This way I author my story.

BUT lets be honest, LIFE has taught me to be weary of folks.
and those made up stories of my so-called life gets back to me.  some of the stories transcend recovery stuff, and that reminds me that as a private person who performs public, people will always feel entitled to tell your story.

it is why when I was facing DEATH, the homies knew who to immediately contact.

I have no grander of my life.  When I die, a few folks will really care and then some will perform that they cared.  and then folks will move on.

I do know that my circle of folks who value me on the real, are the ones that who I am will live on.

Creativity Promotes healing

2012 I dropped my first Kazoo Album, well talked to the Bro Joe and decided that I am makin a comeback album.  yep.  music making is so fun for me and the collaborations piece this time around will surprise people.  There will be a "TV interview"  music video, and a world premiere.  2016 may have almost killed me, but 2017, is the comeback year.  Literally and musically.

Stay tuned for one of the funniest projects I have yet to produce.

Did I buy an electric kazoo this weekend.  yes.

time to make some funny.  and music at the same time.