Four

I don't even know.

My body just feels like it betrayed itself.

You know, everything that could go wrong has kind of gone wrong.

Blood pressure. Kidneys.

What else? Everything.

Strength reduction. Wound dressings. Abdominal surgery.

And yet I still hold faith.

So, I appreciate privacy and prayer as I try to work through this. Because I don't have answers.

Shit.

There was no dignity in that death.

This third hospital stay broke my spirit. It robbed me of my humanity. Every day I felt that jail close in on me. Blood was taken 118 times without my consent. I was limited mobility in a bed that didn't fit my body   Just treated like a catered being.  I asked for a chaplain and mental health support. In the two weeks I was there it never happen. I mostly sat in my own misery. Tubes down my throat. Not being able to communicate. Unfamiliar with the pain that attacked my body.  These wounds physically manifesting


When u get out of surgery your family doesn't get contacted

You could have just died.

As I paint the story of this recovery, over time. I will be u recognizable to u.  This journey is different

She wakes and now there is a walker ...

it is so important to tell your own story. it is the first day living at the hospital for several weeks trying not to die.
I been so so sick I have allowed for no real update.

This is the third time Death has come and has failed.

I dont have much to say because tubes were removed yesterday for me to even talk out loud.
I havent eaten really food in three weeks

I am on the mend.  be patient.  stress can kill and weaken you so please respect my space as I heal.  please dont text me a ton or attack my close friends who know more.

I will update on the blog as I have done.  but yes, this time was the worst.

evening meds are so hard

still retraining my body to be home, to think about eating food, and to take these evening meds

it would be different if they make you fall asleep.  but drugs dont really do that to me.
when they SHOCKED me in the hospital to check my device, and they had to put me under, they were like, we cant believe how long it took you to go under,

yeah, just pain and suffering

i hate medicine

mixing my own poison to treat self

i havent eaten real food in about two weeks.  its bad bc you need food.  i like food.  and to take meds im suppose to eat food

you have to know your own body.
it took days getting home for me to even have the energy to think through what the doctors randomly are prescribing me and giving me.

saturday morning, I think, I THINK i may have done some good by my belly.

but it takes time.

my intestines went through it in the hospital and needed time to chill out and recallobrate
and the right mix of meds

at least im not vomiting nothing anymore!!!

I'm poor, black; I may even be ugly. But dear God! I'm here! I'm here!

quotes from books written by bell hooks and alice walker

when you realize that there are so many fake people in your life.  most the time you dont care, or you are not even paying attention.

sometimes the realness is funny and real:
Lisa when she saw me with my tooth, her response, classic,  clearly im snaggled tooth for now.

fake folks:  how are you?  and when you dont say fine, they are so surprised.

bitch, my body is broken, my heart broke, my insides are screaming and you want me to make you feel good?

nope

im shitty.

if you ask me the question, im going to give you the realest i have in me

my tooth is broken,  I dont have time for you

"The devil whispered in my ear, 'You are not strong enough for the storm.' Today I whispered in the devil's ear, 'I am the storm.'"

suffering teaches you alot about yourself and those around you.
for the ceiling spinning and the sickest times where the bed becomes a welcome tomb.

not sleeping seven days.  not eating 4-5 days.  it takes you the fuck out.

who knows about recovering.

but we can be a storm.
define ourselves

and let others report off of us

grateful and finally home

imagine the worst pain you been through.  emotional, spiritual, and physical together.  i can only say that this week gave me a great wrestle with DEATH,  Just like when you take your car in, they find something else wrong.

bionic heart, check
intestines are slow, get that fixed so u can eat, check
your heart isnt beating right, we are going to shock you, oh, and out you to sleep, check
your nose is fracture, check
your head got split open, 3 stitches, check
tooth broke twice, check
6 IVs, check,
multiple of blood when i wasnt eating (ever 15 minutes, poked for blood for 12 hours, do the math), check

still not eating...
tired as fuck
cant move, but happy to be home.
thanks to all the homies who had my back and were present or showed up.  I am happy every day to be alive.

integrated health fail dentistry need

when i fell at the union, i HELLA BROKE my tooth.
the attending was not helpful.  thank the LORD for friends who are dentists and have friends to come patch ish up

more feedback I have for my hospital stay

#sharptooth
#landbeforetime
#meateater

Becoming Iron Man: BIG turn in my journey

I did fall out at the union, and it was related to my myriad of health issues.  Thank God there were grad student nurses who called 911 and came to my wounds.
oh wounded.

yes, I chipped a front tooth from the fall.  I fractured bones in my nose.  I have a laceration on my forehead with stitches.  my body aches from hitting the cement.  but I survived.

The EMT arrived and I got to OSU ER, again.

As I got my tooth temporarily fixed, I got all the tests and consults.  I was moved to the Ross this afternoon. (With much drama, but that is another blog)

This time tomorrow I should be a kind of Iron (wo)Man.  I am getting a dual device put in my body to help my heart.

I am okay with this, I have made piece with it.

I will be able to drive in 48 hours but will be in an arm sling for seven days, restrictions for a month to start.

but this rehab and recovery has got to be better than what I been through, Death and back.  Death knocking at the door again.  but I refuse.
Even though my face looks like I was in a fight with Ice Cube's character from Boyz in the Hood, I am confident.

greater is He than me.

but my shoes are dope

oh, I need this cane

I forgot my cane yesterday.
ANd I realized how much  I need it.  the support prevents me from physically wearing all the way out.

well i slept for 12 hours after a no cane day.  which I may have needed, but I had zero strength to fight through it

Toxic People and Relationships

nothing more to say here.

cry in the car/pump yourself up

sometimes you have to encourage yourself, the Word tells us that and I believe it.

these days, I have a little weepiness in car, get it together, and beyonce perform all that ish.

people dont care that you are tired, broken, and barely functioning.  folks are focused mostly on what they get out of you.

(yes there are people who care and friends and family, but they are not your all day life)

I been telling people forever to fake it til they make it

that is so true.

The Track of My Tears (native, pain, and sick)

when you are chronically ill, you perform wellness for folks...until you give zero fucks.  I have hit the zero this week.
i havent felt this bad since I left the hospital.  I have lost ten pounds in four days bc I basically have stopped eating.
the side effects from the latest med is worse than all the others.  the pain from my disease coupled with this GI explosion of every issue and now my body is not absorbing nutrients from the food I am eating.

This affects my energy.  I feel like nothing.  moving hurts.  NOTHING sounds good to eat.   i dont hunger.   i dont thirst.  I have forced myself to eat some things so I can take all these meds, but i am more concerned food is dying in my fridge and being gross than actually eating anything.

and every meeting I make it to, every project I read through I am on fumes.  I am willing myself to do this.  I feel like shit.

I barely made through today.  I am hoping things get on the upswing.

I think of the this song, it is probably the romantic version of "we wear the mask"

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Since you left me if you see me with another girl
Seeming like I'm having fun
Although she may be cute

She's just a substitute
Because you're the permanent one
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

Attitude of Gratitude

forgiveness and gratitude go hand in hand.
there is a website that can help folks who struggle with this, but I have always written notes and cards since I was a kid.

keeping a gratitude journal since my mama died has been key too.

there is a joy to giving, but make sure that it is balanced.


attitude of gratitude

some days I cannot even will my own body

a big girl that is malnourished is an interesting prose.
but that is my life.
today I ate enough watermelon to take my meds.
and then i was done for the day.  so sick from the disease I just had to lay there and be in pain.

pain get so bad, you pass out from it overwhelming you.

that was what happen to me today.

and then you get better, and motivate yourself to move on.

side effects contd crass warning

the new med this week has raged havoc on my stomach.  I have barely eaten all week.  its a wonder that I am still mobile.


but in the mean time, if my stomach, Elvis, could talk, he would say these jokes:

Somore "side effects"

when Life kicks you in the ass, will your Will break?

being handicapped has made me have to adapt a lot of the way that I live my life.  I have to come up with ways that I can do every day things I use to do with some ways that will help me out.
pictured here is the red cart.  I use to just use this for prison work, ha, now its like every day.  groceries from the car?
more than two bags has to be the cart.

DONT let IT break you.  you just have to keep reinventing yourself everyday.

even when it makes you sad to wrestle with it.

"ready to die" biggie smalls

A conversation that Biggie Smalls has with himself but the underlining is the suicidal thoughts, which is through many of his songs, unfortunately, on this album, revealing him wrestling with his demons.

All that being said.

Wrestling with Death in itself should not be a bad thing.
I finally own a couple of things so I got the info to make a will.
that is adulting.

the maturity it takes to talk about Death.

" I aint afraid to die, is not havin enough time of livin'"  and that is exactly how I feel.  Living on the borrowed time but making the most of it in the way that I want to.

Sure I could be resting more and traveling or what ever, but that isnt my swag.
that isnt my mission
that isnt my purpose.  and if I dont live my purpose, than who am I?

Now do I need more balance, sure, Im human.  but disease and a failed heart will not be used as an excuse to keep moving.  some days are just better than most.

PINK day, pictured here where I look like a fuchsia bottle of pepto .... you cant LOOK well, wellness is hard for a look, I am not well, that is the truth.  slow.  sick.  angry.  weak.  but can i do fashion,

BEST BELIEVE DIVA status.  hah a

for colored girls who have considered suicide/When the rainbow is enuf : Life is Hard

“but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/ do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of soul & gender..."

Knowing my auto immune disorder "expresses" differently in women of color than other groups is not of comfort.  this wasting disease, which a person asked me today, "well dr patty, what if you didnt do any rehab or any of this work, it just seems like a lot"

I paused and composed myself so I could confidently say what needed to be said:
I would die.

one of the reasons I have to push back again the obsession folks have with my smaller body is that this smaller body is not a healthy body.  
If I stop, if the DIVA inside stops, I stop.  my body would continue to deteriorate and I would die.
That is the flesh reality of my situation.

So when I asked today the specialist, how long will it take for me to get to the part of me that carried and flipped human bodies teaching self defense?  the answer:
years.

YEARS.

yes.  so when people ask be benign questions of "are you better"
nah, bitch, i aint better.
everyday is a mother fuckin gift and struggle.
I have conquered Death but that Evil is straight at the door knockin, waiting for me to slip up.

whew, it's the steroids, :)  but for real.  I appreciate the well intended, but chronic illness is hard and people want me to be better NOW.
DONT U THINK I WANT TO BE BETTER NOW.  I want to cane around.  I want to be a fall risk.  I want a heart at 35%?
get out.
take all the seats.