for colored girls who have considered suicide/When the rainbow is enuf : Life is Hard

“but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/ do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of soul & gender..."

Knowing my auto immune disorder "expresses" differently in women of color than other groups is not of comfort.  this wasting disease, which a person asked me today, "well dr patty, what if you didnt do any rehab or any of this work, it just seems like a lot"

I paused and composed myself so I could confidently say what needed to be said:
I would die.

one of the reasons I have to push back again the obsession folks have with my smaller body is that this smaller body is not a healthy body.  
If I stop, if the DIVA inside stops, I stop.  my body would continue to deteriorate and I would die.
That is the flesh reality of my situation.

So when I asked today the specialist, how long will it take for me to get to the part of me that carried and flipped human bodies teaching self defense?  the answer:
years.

YEARS.

yes.  so when people ask be benign questions of "are you better"
nah, bitch, i aint better.
everyday is a mother fuckin gift and struggle.
I have conquered Death but that Evil is straight at the door knockin, waiting for me to slip up.

whew, it's the steroids, :)  but for real.  I appreciate the well intended, but chronic illness is hard and people want me to be better NOW.
DONT U THINK I WANT TO BE BETTER NOW.  I want to cane around.  I want to be a fall risk.  I want a heart at 35%?
get out.
take all the seats.