Never Say You Cant Survive first day of real cardio and not a test

Curtis Mayfield song Never Say you cant survive


I think about songs like these, that are power songs, just like singing a negro spiritual, getting your mind right to press on.

As I did a rotation of machines and felt my body in itself, I was reminded of this song.  you dont FEEL like doing something, but you have to be determined.  it may be painful.  shame that you need so much help.  but be more than a conqueror.  and you surprise yourself ...

"All of your life between heaven and hell, to live is to know your shame and pain...
you are a special wonder
dont let someone put you under"

always have a power list of songs that empower you, and you may find that as you share them, you release yourself to empower someone else.

G-d Song in my heart

Most days, at some point a praise song blasts from my soul basking in the anointing of the Father and feeling very blessed.
My song left for a couple of weeks and that has never happened since I been walking with the Lord.
It wasnt because I was mad at G-d or mad at HG.  I am not sure if I can articulate the spiritual absence.

I spent a year after mama pat dying doing a gratitude journal, I think I am going to start a new one.  And even still I dont know where G-d Song went.


But today I woke up with the song in my heart.
singing and didnt even realize it.  But there I was at 730am, "knowing why the caged bird sings"

The joy that had left had returned.  that unstoppable joy that passes understanding.

and there was my song.

Basement actual Flood

So, I have been dealing with not just health but home ownership.

Shout out to BA and Justin for helping get water out of my basement.
Marium for sleeping over and being extremely helpful.
Kerry for bringing Papa and sending me info
Tina and Tom on cleanup


Then something wild happened, I asked Tom to take out the bag of stuffed animals from my basement and not let me see them, I knew they were damaged and I didnt want to see it.

Well he actually went back to the dumpster, pulled out ones that could be saved and bathed them.

Tawny Bear looks like he really enjoyed it.

thanks tom for salvaging a bit of my childhood

failing a test, but it is ok

Had the Stress test.  I mean I failed.  but it is a test you are sort of meant to fail.  Checking my limits and to then measure over time growth.
Yes, my shirt says "I will cut you"
the cardio rehab will be a perfect place for protest tees

36 cardio sessions
16 PT/OT sessions (that I self advocated for)
and every testing and probing in between.

strength courage and wisdom.  inside of me.  all along.


remember to advocate for your own health, and to do it afraid, you need to know your body.

Flood (faith based post so If thats not for you, pass on.)

Rain, Rain on my face
hasnt stopped raining for days
my world is a Flood
Slowly I become, one with the mud.

but if I cant swim after 40 days
and i been crushed so high by the crashing waves
lift me up so high that I cannot fall
lift me up

-Jars of Clay

Dark times in our lives happens.  me getting sick isnt my darkest time mentally.  Growing up in poverty was.  Training ground for all life and even getting sick.

but I got to take at least one post and talk about the Holy Ghost.
I know that He is not through with me yet.  That His plan for me supercedes this Earthly plane.  That my Sister prayed for me.

Hezekiah got a prophecy that he would die.  as he lay in bed, he prayed that  G-d would increase so many years so he could complete his destiny.

My Destiny manifests, that DEATH has no grip on me.
being on life support, having a machine breathe for me 8 times to my 1 time.  having machines and devices pump my heart.

my body failed! but Life is not over for me.
my liberation is tied to my spiritual base and belief system.

the Cardiac Team watched me, but my Sister prayed.  They stabilized this body with machines while the HG held it down, supernaturally keeping my spirit here.  dont get it twisted.

I heard a dozen times I should not have left that hospital, but they dont know my Savior.

Oh Death, the prison you set for me, is the one you still rot in.

#Saviorsaves
#shelives
#iwantmydestiny
#medicalmarvel

"There is a light that shines, special for you and me"

Common, great artist.  Many times my mind goes to song lyrics and that is how I have always expressed things on my heart..my heart...

To take my meds I have to eat food with it.  The meds make me not want to eat.  Sometimes I get sick.  My stomach may hurt for a portion of the day.  I have thrown up nothing at 2 in the morning for an hour.   Nutritionist wants to put me on Ensure for being malnourished.  I crave hood foods and could get calories, but even when I get that bag of fritos.  I ate three fritos.  Three. So I push through getting 2 meals a day and a snack.  Usually dry cheerios or fruit.  I have no food restrictions.  but I still cook as clean as ever.

Motherfuckin side effects 

But I am not sad, friends.  I am alive.  my light inside is so much stronger than a side affect.  I just keep moving and yes, some days are hard.  But I got Friends like Lisa, Lucy, Beth, BA, Kerry, Jessica S., Tammy, Marium, Joe Ferg who are in town and hold it down on the regular #partofthedreamteam
Thansk to visits from the homies lik Amy, Jess, tatiana, Paul and folks who have come to visit #moreofthedream

I got some supportive biological fam

Friends who Traveled just to lay eyes on me, POSH, from DC, Teeny in from rural PA.

Friends who prayed with their own lights, Elaine, Adina, Rachel, Mel, Traice, Erin from all over the US.  their concerts of light shared with me have delivered in my soul.

It is well with my soul, so my light shines on.

Here is my adult night light.  thanks to BA for crawling under my bed to retrieve it.

PS  I had three orange sodas last week. Dont remember the last time I had orange soda.  but it was glorious.

PPS Forgive me if I had not gotten back to you on email, twitter, FB, snap, text or phone calls.  Still sorting

"bruised but not broken"

Sometimes on that path back, you gear up and realize the importance to self advocate.  I would not be in PT/OT if I had not told them.  They wanted to give me drugs for the PTSD and not sleeping well without a psych consult.  I had been asked about pain management from every front and outside of drugs they gave in the bags in the hospital, I have had nothing.  The surveys ask about pain.  YES there is pain.  But for me I deal with pain differently and try not to manage it with drugs first. SELF ADVOCATE
and I dwell in this body, I know things.

The Nutritionist wants to go right to supplements when certain things are low, what about a plan do with food.  Anyone who knows me knows I kill it in the kitchen.  How about I use nature to help.  What about meditation?

Treating the whole person is where medicine is still behind, but you can treat yourself.  AND expect them to respond.

Skin when you die

Black folks and people of other colors tan in the summer. That's just how nature works. But dying also can play a number on your skin. That week I almost died I developed small ulcers on my fingers. Small wounds all over my body. I look back and month old Wounds would not heal.

But waking up from dying. My skin was black. And as much as it looks like I'm ashy it's really my skin scaling off layer by layer I am reminded that the skin is the largest organ and it was working hard to keep my ish together too.

If I were Optimus Prime this is how I feel the skin thing goes down. It's a 2.34 minute clip. Watch the whole thing or from 2.01 to end. The leadership analogy ain't bad too.
http://youtu.be/F5sQBXvSLfQ

As I heal and I see my color come back. I wonder how much will really comeback?  Shea butter and healing creams. Everyday.

Racism while sick

I was serving on a panel this week.  Talking about my experience in running a girls program.  regular ish.

This lady had the audacity to ask me if I have diabetes.  Cause I have a cane?  You think my external defibrillator is a insulin pump?  Look here bitch with your racism.  I am a big girl.  with a cane and a device.  If a black person is sick, doesnt mean they have diabetes.  I eat cleaner than you, I promise.  Dont come for me unless I send for you.  you can take all your notions and stick it up your ass.

#aintnobodygottimeforthat

I let that whole group know I almost died 20 days ago.  that shut them up

#truth

The Color Purple sister moment.

Sister (my big sister Kathryn) had to comb my hair in the hospital.  it was four days matted with sweat and survival of 14 procedures.

but that is love.  I can laugh about it now that she had to take breaks.  get up and down.  shake her arms out.

Hey, I have a lot of hair, It felt like she took out 1/2 of it.  But I appreciate her.  thats that sister love.

#nothingbutdeathcankeepmefromit

this movie/book, life changer, but is that bond of sisterhood representation.

That is on the real.

Being Body Positive

The problem with your body changing is keeping up with society.  SOciety is so body negative for women who take up space.  my fat and muscle and strength always represented a FUCK you to the folks who come for a phat girl.  my former body was strong.  I played hockey, softball, flag football, rode a bike regularly (new big black will come back).  I would teach middle school girls self defense for 6 years.  Allowing them to feel their bodies strong.


and what is this new body?  weak and broken.  I see bones and rib cage.  I see a body that has betrayed me.  I cant get off the floor by myself.  upper body weak as fuck.  I know this will not be for ever.  but I have every right to be in my feelings about it.  few women dream of loving a big body.  I loved my big body.  Taking up physical space reflected how I felt about my own power.

But Jill Scott said it right:

Im taking my freedom
putting on my chain
wear it around my neck...


I make my own merriment and define my own sense of body and self love concept.

My body will never be this large and in charge again, but hey, at least im tall AND im still meaty.  As I welcome the new phyiscal me into my broken heart, I continue to mourn the strongest woman body i knew.  #thisbitchcouldflipcars #throwhumans

won’t you celebrate with me

Lucille Clifton, 1936 - 2010

won’t you celebrate with me
what i have shaped into
a kind of life? i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay,
my one hand holding tight
my other hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.

Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again

When your whole Life changes, perspective does really shift.  you have to make a plan, move forward and focus on being strong.

Lucy, Marium, and Lisa: Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

I always talk about having a dream team
I have the best.
A quick shout out to the women.
Who
Saved
My
Life

made me go to the ER.

And my life is changed for ever.

great friends are more than just friends, they are fam.

Letter I sent to Colleagues and Friends When I Returned Home

Greetings Friends and Colleagues!!!

Yes, for those who do not know, June 2 I was admitted to the ER.  My life was saved, for many times I heard from Doctors afterward that I should have died.

Long story short, I had 12 life saving procedures performed to aid in keeping me here.  A week later I am still mentally and spiritually catching up to the fact that:

-I was on life support

-Intubated 

-liver was shocked

-water in lungs

-water in heart

heart function at 9 percent

-bc of function of heart, blood pressure was out of the park high

-inflammed/enlarged heart

along with some other things.

So after a night where I was well watched and prayed for, I survived, and know I should not have.  So I am grateful!

How did I get here?

Still working on that, this is what is most important, That I treat the symptoms, get my heart and body healthy and spend the next four months hitting those milestones.

The specialists are fighting over me, calling me a medical marvel.  That is cute.  Let's play nice in the sandbox.  

Two ways we are looking at this is a long term undiagnosed auto immune disorder that we are treating alongside the fall out from my heart getting all the way beat up.  Its narrowed to two.  I do present one of them and I have decided to treat that one.

The next 4-6 months is full of treatment and specialists but Do not expect me to be down and out.  I have of course help to design a plan that allows me to roll in to work life balance while protecting and taking care of my body.  I have to wear for the next three months this external defribulator just as a caution, so you will note my transformer/flaming lips yoshimi robot device I have to wear.

You will notice my cane, that I asked for so I have my independence to feel safe getting around.  I am not a wheelchair girl.  I have self advocated for PT/OT so I regain on a plan my physical strength to throw humans like I used to.  

You will notice weight loss.  I dont have any food restrictions and I have been encouraged to drink ensure.  yuck no.  I will just work on eating more, thanks.  I believe the world has enough body dysmorphia, this is something I hate discussing bc I felt stronger as a big girl than this body that has failed me.  So, on this point, let me be clear, dont roll up and be like you look good bc I have less weight, this dying form of me failed me, Bigger Patty slayed in hockey.  As my body heals from the release of fluid and inflammation, my body will continue to get smaller, which is why I need the PT so I feel like I can gain all the POWER back.  this is my thing, yall can think what you want, but if you really knew me, you would know body strong is my thing and not aesthetic.  

Praise the Lord that my money maker is my brain:

Yes, I will be working, I am scaling back the next three weeks but I AM NOT DEAD. so yes I will rest and work from home but the work I do is important and is important to me and is part of my testimony.  YES, I am going to honor my body, but DONT ever come for how affective my brain is.  I am moving the work forward regardless.

What I know for sure/ Oprah moment:

I have written about and lectured about the importance of having an urban family, the family you pick for yourself.  I have the best in the world.  Thanks to my homies who saw me at my worst, forced me to let go of the stubbornness and pride to listen to my body and be here.  You cant survive if you are not open to the rescue.

Vaginas:

Most folks who know me know I performed in the vagina monologues for six years.  I NEVER have had a hospital stay before.  boyyyyyyy.  there is no modesty.  they show all your business.  they shaved my vagina.  everyone got to have a peak.  residents.  interns.  attendings.  they gave no fucks.  some of my procedures went thru my groin.  Thank you for life, butttt wow wee.  I know I will work through my mental health in this healing process, but also the PTSD from just my vagina being on display.  oh and the restraints after being on life support.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for prayers and warm thoughts.

Until our paths cross again,

Patty Jr

Aint no booty in the pants

how do skinny people sit?
now that my ass in has gone to the negative zone, i just sit and wonder, is that why skinny folks shift around a alot while sitting.

when there aint no booty in the pants, sitting now is like a port.  It makes me want to use the donut from the hospital.

the coming of Mr T

Mr. T.

I used to call the hoohaa Mercedes.  I think her name is changing to Mr. T.
the hospital shaved the cha cha to put in life saving devices in my body.  I am grateful.  If I had the chance to give consent, I would have.  But the fall out is this, I am not growing back the grass over certain parts of my lawn.  I am devastated.  I am adding it to the list to discuss with therapist.  And it messes with everything body positive.

What does it mean to come back from dying (life support)

When you wake up from being on life support, you dont realize at first you had almost died.  There is a disconnect because parts of your body hurt.  Friends and family are there.  Everything happens so fast.  And what the Devil had planned for me had failed.  And you realize how grateful you are for Urban Family and colleagues and homies.  How do you mentally recover?  How do you look at Life?  People as all the questions.  Why were you in the hospital? What happened? Why were you there?  The questions feel as invasive as the IVs and catheter.  Almost two weeks later and I do not allow my brain to go there often.  To think of the days I have NO recollection of what was done to my body and what was happened to my body.  How could it be leading up for two years to betray me?  How dare I not pay better attention.  And I would allow work and life to shield me from putting me first in the ways that matter most?  

Kids from poverty dont go to the doctor.  We dont take vacation.  We sleep off ailments.  "you must just be tired."  Turns out I  was sick and tired of being sick and tired."  My body broke at a time that actually was convenient.  Still, what is dying without serious contemplation.

We will see what this part of the journey brings.