scar tissue that I didnt even see

The folks who draw blood, and there is a name for it...
this one was noticing I had a lot of scar tissue around a vein.  the one they like to use on repeat esp. when in the hospital.

I was shocked because I didnt know that was something that could happen.

note to self, hospital scars take a long time.  physical and mental.  to heal.

body image cartoon that resonated

body image and being sick
has been a big thing for me.


this cartoon panel hits it with the obsession of bodies in the US


Im gonna eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich now

"Last Night a DJ saved my life"

Singing with my sophomores was not just a good time, it reminded me the most of my former self.  The self that is silly and vain and performance Driven.

I dont have my full vocal range back from the lung issues, but I also dont practice enough.

But DIVA night with my STEP group made my day and we crushed it.

#leadershipasperformance

healing hands of friendships

There is the spiritual laying of hands, that im down for and connected to with my Lord.  Thanks big G.

However, there is something so cosmic about human connection that allows for that metaphysical healing that comes from real friendship and talking about everything and nothing.

I love discussing how to change the world, but you have to make room to talk about peeing yourself at a 5k running, periods, panties, families, dogs, the kids, bananas, wine and whine.

this investment is what allows for us to be sustained.  you cannot live on bread alone.  Amen.

I didnt even recognize you.... thats not a compliment

it's already bad enough I dont recognize myself in the mirror most times, what I dont need is one more person saying home different I look.  Keep that shit to yourself.

again, the more I move through this world handicapped I can see the short sitedness of others and I just make them feel awful giving no f*cks

ohm thanks, well I almost died this year.
uh huh
yeah
big body saved me

as I prepare for my doctors appt Monday, Im in the fight for my life, do you really think Im gonna care about your feelings when you open your mouth with foolishness.

every day i am alive is a win

one of my mentors has been reading up about my auto immune disorder.  yes, it can kill me.  that is totally possible.  I had to ask him to stop going down that rabbit hole bc it is a scary path to go.

in the past month my body has wasted away another 15 pounds that I was not trying to lose.
if it is muscle mass, then we know it is a connection to the disorder.  and it is also harder for me to manage that I cannot control.

Im not doing a good job with stress/work management.  That is on me.
As I prepare for another Doctor visit monday, I hope I can do a better job.
That I can get in front of the disease that potentially wants to take my life.

you have to do things afraid.

youre the most compliant patient with life vest

I was rehab'ing next to two ladies today and it was like a therapy group session.  we shared our WAR stories.
I learned some things I have to investigate and ask doctors.  Like "we are increasing your meds to levels to see if you tolerate it" what does it mean?  and since I am maxed out, what does it mean or me to tolerate it?

IS that why I get all the side affects?  I am fighting a different battle of saying yes to some suffering for long term gain?  well bring it on



what was nice was talking to these ladies because even though its not the same situation, we have similar warrior wounds...

"To hold a grudge is like chain smoking hate" word.

forgiveness is always for YOU.
doesnt mean you dont create new structure to be helpful.


this quote was from a year ago and rings really true this week.
keep it moving.

Real House Wives recovers my life

People through around self care.  when you grow up from poverty and develop a chronic disease, you are still like, what is self care?
Why do rich people and therapists keep talking about it.

I still havent bought all the way in even when I suggest it for other people.

But I have to record that real house wives and all my reality TV has been a big part of recovery.

There have been times where my brain was too fuzzy to read or do work that I wasnt suppose to be doing any way.

The redic'ness of these folks lives made me feel pretty good about my own.

yes, all my shit is broken, but i still got like pride, integrity and like real friends.


recovery sometimes has to include what the French call, the art of doing nothing...
and they should know because they have those 25-30 hour work weeks.  hahaha

but for real.  sometimes you just have to be and that is the best medicine

Electric boogaloo

My auto immune disorder positions me to run cold.  Being undiscovered for three years it all makes sense now.  Well this is my third electric blanket.  I burnt out the first two which could be a dirty joke but for real it is from over use from being cold.
I used it for the first time this weekend, yep if its under 70 degrees I want a heated experience.

its nuts bc different room temperatures would make me heat up or sweat.

I just remember what uncle laffy says, "pain reminds you, you are alive"

I am so alive body thanks, we can work on toning it down a bit.

the jail you plan for me is the one you gonna rot in: honor your truth

I spend a lot of time in my own head these days.  The trauma of Death breathing on my three months ago still stings.

When your heart breaks does your Heart break?

Is it the steroids that has lowered my tolerance for people's lies, excuses, and policing of me and others I care about.  ha.  dont even care.

In my former self I really believed in the good in others.  that folks are not trying to stab you in the back.  I believed in best intentions.

But since I almost died, I see EVERYTHING differently. Snakes in the grass.  people trying to sabotage the work you do or even an idea you can have.  wth.

no matter what you do to invest in others and help, you may get trapped by their perceptions or plans for you.  NO

control your destiny.  Protect yourself.  surround yourself with real homies.  fake folks will betray you.

#lessonslearnedwhileinrecovery


and then The Color Purple just takes you there:

The Color Purple: The Jail You Planned for Me...

things that happen to your body (picture of finger ulcer so dont look if you get squeemish )

So what happens with my auto immune disorder, is that if my fingers get to cold I can develop ulcers, or open wounds on my fingers like this one.  they last a long time.  they hurt.  

So that is why you see me in gloves.  Sometimes I do a poor job protecting my hands because its a new thing to always try to wear gloves when your hands are cold.  but this is the result.  dead summer but a hole in my finger anyway.  

still kicking though.

one sock days

there are some days, where I only have enough in me to get the one sock on.
i try for the other sock, but after three tries I let it go and i put on whatever shoes and do the day.

I cant get frustrated with myself over a sock.

though sometimes I wish I did have a person to help me put on socks.

days that you seem to be sick for no reason but then you remember you almost died 3 months ago

there really are not any words just the lived reality that I will start feeling overwhelming sick for no reason.

Last night I was trying to do work and just was overwhelmed by waves of the wasting of my autoimmune disorder.

i had to sort of lay down and center myself
and as nausea tried to overwhelm me with pain everywhere, I just fought through it.

thinking the whole time that I have to always be ready that I am in the fight for my life every day.

As I take back parts of my old self I have to realize that I am not well.

some days I will have to take a time out.

Musings with Dr. Shuman : REvisiting Joy

Spending time with one of my mentors who really gets me has helped me recenter.  for all that I try to do for others, it was the first time in a while that she was focused totally on what I needed or wanted.

we decided on some academic projects together which really helped me to feel supported bc we were not wallowing in my deficits but we were playing to my strengths.  and I needed that.

Support is not always the talking it out about your problems, some times support is getting redirected and focusing on strengths and what I can do.

some of us need a project and not another reminder that we are broken...

being sorry vs an apology

What I love about prayer and meditation, is that you find yourself back on track sometimes.

I am not prepared to really talk about forgiveness in a way that I have words for, but I remembered this valuable lesson this morning.

Sorry is the empty word we say when we step on a shoe or bump a person.  Or break their pencil.  very simple and sometimes no depth is necessary.

An apology comes with it a commitment to change one's ways.  When I apologize I am committed to changing my behavior as restitution.  I was reminded further to meditate on it by spending time with one of my mentors, Dr. Amy Shuman,
we were at her house noshing and talking and catching up.
As an orphan it is nice to have trusted folks who dont see you as a project per se, but over time you have become part of their family.

She apologized for not being around when I was really down.  But she was abroad and didnt know about it.  Her calling and checking up on me and making sure I am okay in the way she does it was part of this apology, she had a behavior change.

All this reminds me of the song "sorry seems to be the hardest word" but performed by Mary J Blige

sorry video

it rocks me to my core every time because the real apology is really hard.

but when you really care about people, you try to do the right thing, even if things are wounded.

being called out of your name... how microaggressions work

Today at 6pm, I was called "a stupid nigger" at the corner of 11th ave and high st.

Every year of my adult life, I am the one who gets called a nigger of some sort EVERY YEAR.

I share this because for us social sciences, this type of racism affects not just the psychology but also our physical health.

In recovery road, I am a big black female body who is left handed (grew up in poverty) and recently handicapped OHHHH and have to deal with racism in my every day life that also affects my health.  The health of folks who look like me.

how can one really get well when this is going against them?  and all the wellness doesnt happen because folks ...like me suffer




https://www.rivier.edu/journal/rcoaj-spring-2007/j88-crocker.pdf

Good short read.

growing up in poverty you value relationships as currency

as orphans and recovering poor kids (coming from poverty) Lisa and I frequently talk about things that are near and dear yet I feel lots of folks dont know about or dont have a language about it.

when thinking about relationships and people, folks from poverty DO generally value relationships above other things.

the corporate or corporate like world runs almost counter to that.  Usually it's folks using relationships for personal gain or take downs.

Loyalty, Compassion.
Ride or Die.

being a private person doesnt mean you have something to hide, it just means you are a private person.

When it comes to my recovery I definitely use the blog to disclose a portion of the journey I am willing to share, the parts that I think ARE funny or interesting or helpful to others.

This way I author my story.

BUT lets be honest, LIFE has taught me to be weary of folks.
and those made up stories of my so-called life gets back to me.  some of the stories transcend recovery stuff, and that reminds me that as a private person who performs public, people will always feel entitled to tell your story.

it is why when I was facing DEATH, the homies knew who to immediately contact.

I have no grander of my life.  When I die, a few folks will really care and then some will perform that they cared.  and then folks will move on.

I do know that my circle of folks who value me on the real, are the ones that who I am will live on.

Creativity Promotes healing

2012 I dropped my first Kazoo Album, well talked to the Bro Joe and decided that I am makin a comeback album.  yep.  music making is so fun for me and the collaborations piece this time around will surprise people.  There will be a "TV interview"  music video, and a world premiere.  2016 may have almost killed me, but 2017, is the comeback year.  Literally and musically.

Stay tuned for one of the funniest projects I have yet to produce.

Did I buy an electric kazoo this weekend.  yes.

time to make some funny.  and music at the same time.

more anger at medicine, sister and her news

I felt something wrong in the space time continuum,  So I went to get dairy queen and call Sister.

eventually she told me the news, that she has to get hip replacement surgery.
yes, she is young for it.
yes, we are happy if it alleviates pain we are down for this.

BUT she was being treated by a team of doctors for several years and they kept "treating" around her back (2 surgeries) and even though she had localized pain in her hip, not one of these heifers (doctors) caught that she had NO cartilage in her hip.  BONE ON BONE.  imagine the pain for the past two years she has been going through.

so now she is on the right path with new doctors, but to not xray is just malpractice.  like thats just dumb.  residents could figure this out.

so that leads me two places:
1. im fixin to expose the former medical team
2. im less trustful of medical doctors.

it puts me in a place of high mistrust.
and now I at a loss with all these specialists bc I am second guessing every move.  well third guessing, I already fire and make them give me every documentation.

celebrate a birthday...get sick midday...keep going

I was very happy to celebrate Marium's birthday.  but getting there was a lot.

between rehab and PT i got lunch with an old friend Kara Dolan.

during lunch I started coughing then threw up my food... just right there, onto the plate of food

in my vanity I ask, Kara, did it get in my hair.  we were cool.

I obviously didnt eat any more.

sometimes you have good days and bad days.

And some times you have days that are a mix.

PT was challenging in a good way.  didnt get a lot of work done bc you spent a lot of time at the hospital.  but I am only suppose to work 20 hours a week.  but the workoholic in my feels guilty.  guilt adds to my stress.  then I dont feel well.  my stomach hurts, joints hurt.  then I just circle around.

Did I mention I threw up at the restaurant...smh...
forcing myself to slow my pace when I feel my environment expects such a big output is hard.
As I prepare to go to sleep I am getting better on meditating again.  reconciling with G-d and honoring my body and mind with sleep.  happy that my sleep is better.  however, it is really still hard to create structure to support health first.

Still in process.

Emotional Constipation

if you are not challenging your emotional self, you are being lazy.

Working on your spiritual self is not just if you engage in a religion but it is also the self work you do to be a whole person.  two weeks ago Lisa and I had a great conversation about how to manage emotions and having them.  re-reading a book by bell hooks reminded me of our convo.  in every situation we are either part of the problem or part of the solution.  even with our emotional self.

We can choose to not spend time with people who dont have the ability to meet us emotionally.  many times people who are emotionally constipated are a drain.  they are attracted to people who are givers etc yet will steadfast never be the blame for anything that is wrong in a relationship.  huh.  so friendship, family to romantic this is something that remains.  working on this emotional latitude is something I value and work on, but some folks aint ready.

#therapy
#actualization
#reflection