cabbage patch kid face

people say I look better.

well my boobs have grown almost all the way back.  that is a win for any bra shopping

but more importantly, i got my cheeks back!!! my dimples!!!

my cabbage patch youthful face is on point.

win.

Langston Hughes on walking alone

your friends may be with you, but there are some things you walk alone

"Crossing" by Langston Hughes

It was that lonely day, folks,
When I walked all by myself.
My friends was all around me
But it was as if they'd left.
I went up on a mountain 

In a high cold wind 

And the coat that I was wearing 

Was mosquito-netting thin. 
I went down in the valley 
And I crossed an icy stream 
And the water I was crossing 
Was no water in a dream 
And the shoes I was wearing 
No protection for that stream. 
Then I stood out on a prairie 
And as far as I could see 
Wasn't nobody on that prairie 
Looked like me. 
It was that lonely day, folks, 
I walked all by myself: 
My friends was right there with me 
But was just as if they'd left.

continued life as a cyborg-R2

Being at Comic Con brought some welcomed familiar feelings.  It was a LOT of walking.  but Marium was awesome and knew I needed a break here or there.

But being R2 with my cane made sense to be.  they patted me down instead of of the wand because of my defrib.

doing things that seem normal of what I use to do brings some comfort but at the same time give me pause bc I know I am not doing it the same way.

but at least I do it all in style #wonderwomanpants

“Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.”

I fell Wednesday.  and it was a bad fall.  In my back yard after getting dropped off by Lisa.  I had to call Lisa to have her come back and help me up.  My lack of strength in my upper body is frustrating, esp because I was the woman who would throw people.  I was the person people called to move them.

Therapist says I am reinventing myself.  at first I was like no heifer I am trying to go back to me.

But alas, she is right.  Even regaining all that superhuman strength, I wont be the same person.

Metanoia means the journey of challenging one's mind, heart, self, and/or way of life.

Thats the word for me for the next year as I recover.  Recovery is discovery in this sense.

will it take all my courage, yes, but I am not known for passivity

gi JANE this ish

So at 5:27 Demi Moore gives all the business and says all the potty things I say.  so if you are sensitive, stop watching there.

GI jane clip

I push every day.  not because I have a cheerleader or someone rooting for me.  I feel a lot of folks take a seat.  A lot of folks may not work as hard at recovery.  I say that bc now I see the numbers of what is going on.  Folks not staying in cardiac rehab.  People smoking after a heart or pulm issue.

how serious are we taking our health?

Me seeing a mental health person when I got NO support from any of my medical doctors is another way of self advocating.

As I continue to have great days, good days, bad days, and days where getting out of bed seems impossible know that if I can in less than two months survive death, I believe even more I can do anything.

God Is A Healer Word for the timely WORD

God Is A Healer

EXODUS 15:26 NRSV

26 ...for I am the LORD who heals you."

When God first revealed Himself to the people of Israel after

their deliverance from Egypt, He called Himself "the Lord Who

Heals."

He didn't just describe Himself as a healer -- He actually gave

Himself that name. One of God's names is "The One Who Heals" or

we could just say "Healer."

Certainly God heals physically. Yet we should not limit our

thinking on this. God heals, or makes whole and sound,

everything that He touches. (So, if we need healing, our plan

should be to get closer to God.)

The idea of making whole and sound is what we should focus on.

God, by His nature, makes things whole. He IS a healer. A

healer of bodies, of minds, of relationships, of nations --

whatever needs making whole and sound.

The important point is to realize that we need not convince God

to heal, because that is His very nature.

No wonder that when Jesus of Nazareth, who was God in the

flesh, came along that:

MATTHEW 4:23 NRSV

23 Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues

and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and curing every

disease and every sickness among the people.

get your complete medical records...all of them

putting my FULL medical records so I can see doctors notes etc.  had a great chat with friend Viral, and I agree with him, I need and should have all the info, even if I cant understand it.

I hear its hard to get those 100 pages of records.

They dont know me

The Legacy of Sara lives in me... fighting because she could not....

Sara's story:
http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-35240987

I think a lot about Sara lately.  not any sara yall would all know, but Sara who was taken from South Africa and her body put on display in Europe for the White Gaze.

Baartman agreed to be studied and painted by a group of scientists and artists but refused to appear fully naked before them, arguing that this was beneath her dignity - she had never done this in one of her shows. This period was the beginning of the study of what became known as "racial science", says Holmes.

Baartman died aged 26. The cause was described as "inflammatory and eruptive disease". It's since been suggested this was a result of pneumonia, syphilis or alcoholism.

The naturalist Georges Cuvier, who had danced with Baartman at one of Reaux's parties, made a plaster cast of her body before dissecting it. He preserved her skeleton and pickled her brain and genitals, placing them in jars displayed at Paris's Museum of Man. They remained on public display until 1974, something Holmes describes as "grotesque".

This part of this article is what haunts me when I go to appts.  the coercion to allow fellows and interns be a part of looking at my black female body so THEY learn something and all I get is a bill and sometimes NO help or relief of what ails me.  the dissection of her body was on my mind when I was asked for a biopsy of my heart after waking from near death.  now this was some bullshit.

BEING ON DISPLAY.  it is the violation I felt in the hospital and the inhumanity of the experience.

The history of OBGYN is not much different.
3 women who were slaves had surgeries performed without medicine.  Even though meds were available.  and the "father" Dr. sims of modern GYN made notes of their pain and his success, of course black womens bodies suffering to help white women and his career.  awesome.  note my sarcasm.  yes, fixing fistulas was good work, but again, the basis of medicine in america is a war on the black women's bodies.

AND i think of that every time a PCP asks for blood or wants to make a referral authoritatively and not collaborate with the patient at all.  thats why your ass will get fired.

http://newamericamedia.org/2010/12/dr-marion-sims-statue-where-should-it-stand.php

and folks want me to be complacent.  get out of here.  #alwaysfurious

It aint over, I still got fight left in me...

Someone asked me a question about the what ifs...
what if the cardio appt doesnt go your way...
what if your immune disorder doesnt get in line...

folks, it aint over for me.

I guess  you dont know me if you think I get put off by a fight.

I was born a fighter.

my mama was in the worst situation of her life when I was in the womb.  homelessness, domestic violence, divorce, mental health... all while i just swirled in her cortisol.

and yet I am here.  odds dont frighten me..

me in my old body

The suitcase.

I finally opened the suitcase from being in the hospital. It was just one of those things I had not gotten too. Even with the squad staying here or sister visiting I never removed its contents. Things I was happy to see:

That good oil for my hair. Wow where were you?

The nice paddle brush.

The nice yoga pants that needed washing.


Things that brought back PTSD. :
The wexner medical center blankets that were gifts bc what they had in the room wasn't warm enough

Pink house coat. That I wore everyday bc it was cold and they tried to keep me naked.

All the hair in the comb my sister had to forge out when my hair was matted against my head for not being combed in days

The confiscated items we will just refer to here as reparations

I don't know why the suitcase was so emotional for me. It was like a physical metaphor of being more work to do. Moving on. And at the same time looking at my immediate past.

Well. It's almost empty. I'm still moving forward. My hair had the best brush out in two months.

Did I find an article from 1931 proving my theory about my heart issue, yes. #researcher

as my cardiac team still have ZERO answers for me.  the time I have had to stew I have found my own.

In my limited medical history, as a child I had scarlet fever.  a disease almost obsolete but while in poverty never treated well or follow upped on.

I found some research done in the 30s and 40s that link heart failure for folks who survived scarlet fever to entering their 30s and having these complications.

I of course sent the research over to my team.

#oneforphdiva
#smartasfuck
#ballershotcaller
#ishouldmakethiscardiacdoctormoney

$$$$$$$$

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." -Voltaire

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility. - Khalil Gibran

As I work through this recovery, and finally have a mental health appt.  whew, I realize that anna julia cooper words ring different for me now.  In 1890, she said, when and where I enter my whole race enters with me...

Justice.  

Now in this recovery arena, I have an opportunity to speak for the 1000s of folks going thru the motions of recovery from near death to emergency med who dont have the resources, network, dream team, gal pals, OR mental fortitude I have.

now is a battle not just for my body, but the collective body.  just like corporate prayer, i know the words I speak up for just me are the balm of gilead for someone else.

I walk Alone

The next book I am reading is: Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection

It makes sense because as of late I have been dealing with the loneliness birds.

I have been wrestling with thoughts around what it means to be with people and still feel isolated.


do we need Solitude to heal?

"Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being lonely. While loneliness is self-destructive in nature, solitude is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself used for inner reflection and growth."


"• Loneliness can become the doorway to a profound experience of solitude. Having compassion and empathy for life’s challenges is an important step toward understanding them and transforming your negative loneliness to positive solitude. This transformation requires you to ask yourself, “What does it mean to me to be alone?” How you define your experience of being by yourself can lead you to both positive and negative emotions. For example, if you believe that being alone means you are not a loveable person, then loneliness can feel humiliating.

• You can embrace being alone as a part of life and work on redefining it. Writing about your loneliness in a journal in the moment of your loneliness can bring consciousness to your experience. When you are consciously working with your painful emotions, including feeling alone in the moment, you are better able to tolerate them. The light of consciousness can eventually transform your painful emotions.

• To transform your loneliness to solitude, you need patience. You also need the support of a friend or guide who is mature or experienced in mining the gold that can be found in solitude. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to others and asking for support when you feel alone."

I have always loved solitude, but Recovery has challenged me with loneliness.  I am not scared of it and I have embraced it, 

putting on the therapist list 

gloves like a lady...

my auto immune disorder has lead to me being cold alot, and especially my hands.  introducing me wearing driving gloves a lot of the time.  be on the look out for this fashion trend.  maybe it will catch on

I get home work from the PT/OT

Homework dance

Literally she really does give me homework.  And its dope.  Cause cardiac rehab does not.  Today was super rough with them back to back.  I had to lay down when I got home bc I got sick.  meds messed with me and probably was dehydrated.

but alas.  It is evening.  I feel better.  I wont do "homework" tonight but this weekend I will.

Shout out to the best PT ever though.  She gets me.  and I didnt have to fire her.

Feedback email to Zoll re: my device

Hey There Andrew,

I just wanted to share some thoughts and experiences with the device.

Some are engineering things so down the line perhaps new designs will be considered 

-The device is clearly made or a man's body, even the icons are men.  This is rough because when you wear a bra on top of that, the pressure creates a lot of friction and where there are bands and sensors, it rubs and the skin starts breaking down.  I had to modify the device with "pads" because my skin was rubbed raw.  This is probably why folks are not in compliance with the device.  I was 98% compliant but now it is too much with cardio rehab and sweating etc.

-The harness.  THE HARNESS.  Is white.  I am brown.  The harness should come in white, nude, and black.  The white takes the dye from clothes to having my brown skin rub off brown so it gets "dirty" fast and with washing just the two (depending on how long you need device there should be 5-7 harnesses) the wear and tear is there.  

-3 times it falsely said I was in need of shock.  I just wanted to share that with you.  So sometimes at night I am a little scared of sleep from this thing.

-It is so heavy.  I am sure everyone says that.  but for rehab and working out it is so cumbersome.  It is too heavy for yoga pants so even the pants feature is useless.

-wearing upscale fancy clothes.  As a person who works for the university there are some glam events.  formal wear is nearly impossible with the design.  A lot of my formal wear I cannot access because of the device.  This should be part of the testing in future designs.

These are just a couple of my thoughts from the first month and 1/2 on the device.  If more comes to me I will let you know.  Thank you for getting this to the right folks!

Dr. Patty

Thank you!!!

thank you by Boyz II Men
A little song and post I will come back to just to list thank yous....and I thank you:
Lucy Ramos
Lisa Hayes
Dr. Marium Hussain
Jack Brandl
Kathryn L Burns Sanders
Dr. J
Tracy
Joe-Ferg
Beth Roseman
Liza and Brad
Adina and Elvin
Marlana
Annie S
Rachel Tjoeng
Lyndsay and Amanda
Krista
Cyd Topaz and Fam
Erin Brozo
BA and Fam
Kerry and Fam
Jess Lavelle
Amy Roberts
Tiffany Q
Elaine Joy and Fam
Dr. Lisa Hinkelman
Dr. Melissa Briggs Phillips
Dr. Asher
Dr. Whittington
Uncle and Aunt Jackie
Matt V


More to add, but thank you so much for all you have done for me during recovery

urban family over family of birth? sometime the truth will hurt

I had a sibling ask my eldest if they should come to the hospital when I was on life support.

if you had to ask you know better.
I had been to big things in his life.
I had visited him at college.
when he was hurt, me and the sisters went and took care of his apartment and feed him
Never forgetting his birfday and organizing sisters to send him things or I sent it and signed our mothers and sisters names on it.
his graduations
his wedding,


yes, am I throwing shade, nah its straight truth.

None of my graduations (four of them) or even when I was dying.

sooo  who dont have time for that shit anymore...????

aint nobody got time for that


Support is showing up when it really matters.  dying is one of those times.  funky text messages and phone calls after the fact, my mental health is like, nah, do you.

Cause I am going to do me and protect this during recovery.

word,

half time cyborg

i am so over wearing this harness.
I have so much feedback for Zoll and the company.  They are gonna get it too.

Until then, esp until i get rid of this thing, I think of myself as a cyborg.

part robotic, mostly human in this state.origin story of cyborg helps me laugh through it, I mean I could be this DC comic dude.


womp womp

cardio incentive

It is kinda like that sign up for a bank account feeling and you get a stress ball.  every couple of times I earn different things for my participating in pretty much a self directed program.

This is probably why folks opt out after five sessions out of 36.
but they dont set up folks for success when there isnt a clear plan and only once did they go over, hey, patty, we need you to be at these Mets"

The staff is NOT diverse.  I asked what I would do with this towel, they said golf?

that was so elitist to think that is what I would do, but I guess if she said basketball I would be offended too...

EIther way, the folks that I assumed were from low SEC and folks of color, I dont event see any more...

Rehab also moved to Upper Arlington.

If you cant drive, like me, how do you get there???

Well, I guess Im looking forward to this water bottle.

"still tryin' to piece it all together..."

After speaking with so many of the squad who were there the day my body died.  and  I say body bc I would say my spirit and my soul was thriving.
But all the medical notes I have finally seen and voices heard.

Mental health has become central to my Recovery bc when your body dies, it's really traumatic.

When I was waiting to be intabated, and I was awake the whole time on Oxygen.  I was sitting up in the wheelchair and I can remember telling the folks I cant breathe, I need a bigger oxygen mask and not the little tube kind.

Tons of white male doctors in the room, none of which could find my pulse.  its bc my EF had gone to a 9.  Marlana, gal pal who works at the Cleveland Clinic did not believe gal pal Rachel when she told her that of me bc when her patients have that low of a number, that means that they are dead.  that the sentence in life, no pulse, yet at the same time I was fully awake and communicating, I struggle to rationalize the science and how that was happening.  Why wasnt I passed out?
Where was my pulse?  my bottom blood pressure was under 40....

the body is week, but the spirit is willing....


thinking thru my body dying is something I will deal with for a long time.  BRING on the therapy...

why poor people dont go to the dr $$$$

bands may make you dance, but the medical industry and practice is killing me, 2000 dollars out of pocket, I am praising black jesus for signing up for that GOOD insurance.

They charge for EVERYTHING
My hospital stay:

90,870.25

-89,371.37

0.00

1,498.88

Is that NOT INSANE.

my hospital stay is the cost of a house.  in many places across the country.

thats not the cost of doctors and services, and random assignments of things I dont even know what they mean.

When Heidi comes to visit: Keeping it real, gal pal style

Cachexia, what does that even mean.

Heidi (DDS, PhD MicroBiology): You look Cachectic.
ME: whatttttt
Rachel (NICU nurse): yes, I agree
ME: yall, what does that mean?
Heidi: weakness and wasting of the body due to severe chronic illness

Oh yeah thats me.

and its not in my charts.
good thing all my gal pals are doctors.

*reading over my papers 

"living unapologetically a life of black joy is my go-to radical act always and forever" -Sabrina

The stress of being a person of color weighs on us.  Stress is a killer.  I am trying to wrap my mind around the struggles of this week and how it actually connects to my own mental health that then places heavy on my physical health.

#blacklivesmatter

if we dont honor our minds and bodies they will fray for real.  The research demonstrates it.

Focus on self care in these grave times, its so important.

I now only own 6 pairs of pants

Sister was awesome and helping me purge all the clothes.  Clothes I wanted to purge in general, but also donating like 50 pairs of pants.
I cant wear them any more.  trying to remain body positive and be present in the body I have now.  Esp when people still want to comment about how great I look when I feel like shit 80% of the time.

So the recovery is very expensive, sure with hospital bills etc.
but losing your pants...priceless
remaining strong in yourself, a struggle

but press on, and #wearyogapants

I can Breathe!!!

Getting the Pulmonary Test was the first medical test I passed.
I felt great not having any lung issues
one organ healed a couple of more to go.

The only issue is that I have is during my CT they explained NOThiNG.  I had everyone give me copies of the tests results and reads.  It is my right and I want them.  It is redic that they dont do that for you automatically.

SELF ADVOCATE, and be the expert of your own body.
you are worth it.

Finding a good PCP

PCP means primary care physician.  Finding a good one is worse than dating.  All I want to do is hate on the ones I met with.

Her: we want to give you three vaccines
ME: well can I have the info about them bf I take them...

Here is the thing.  I and PRO vaccine.  I am anti rushing to put more things in my body over all the other things happening.
WHY?!  I have all the side affects of everything.  So let me mindful of my body and read up about these since I never had those before.
You are a doctor practicing but I know my mind needs to be in the right place WITH my body thanks.

NOT going back to her.

and AGAIN when addressing mental health, wanted to blindly prescribe me pills.  NO.
im good.

Praise The Lord I don't look like what I been through

I visited my kids at Prison.  I know seeing me being sick would be shocking.  I wanted to talk to them about it.  And let them know I am ok.  No internet or social media in prison yall.

What I forgot is the ignorant grown ups that work at the prison,

Dont see the cane and external defriblator ...clearly something is wrong.
BUT THE MEN there focus on my smaller body.

bitch please.
1. YOUR rolly polly body hasnt changed.
2. DONT holler at me, I never want you
3. this broken body aint for you any way
4.why as a woman would i entertain being with anyone who didnt want me what ever my body looked like
5. ps I have always had this hair.  #whipsbackandforth

6. you could compliment me in a colored pant though, cause that is DOUGH BOY FRESH


I may look like a girl on a dumb diet but I cant drive, cant pick myself off a floor and need help getting into a car sooooo  that aint sexy ...assholes

roid rage AKA Low Frustration Tolerance

Picture it.  July 4th.  Having dinner with my urban fam and what happens, I take a conversation that should be a 3 turned to a 12.  I got turnt the fuck up for know reason.

Here is exceedingly patient patty going off.  whats going own.  Oh,its the side effects
this basically is a funny thing about men and side effects
side effects by queen of comedy

this is a real thing.
I hope now Dr. Melissa equipped me with the language to talk about it I can focus on being like ok Patty, slow your roll.

having an understanding of whats happening helps me feel ok about Sister calling me out or say I am sorry.

#justbreath

What Immune Disorder do I have, OH this one. BUT NOT connected to my pulmonary and cardiac random issues

I have this auto immune disorder.  Its localized.  and not connected to my heart 

this is just a general overview.

Scleroderma

What is scleroderma?

Scleroderma is an ongoing (chronic) disease that causes abnormal growth of connective tissue. It can affect the joints, skin, and internal organs. It is degenerative and gets worse over time. The disease can be in one area of the body. This is known as localized scleroderma. Or it may affect the whole body. This is known as systemic sclerosis. Scleroderma is more common in women.

What causes scleroderma?

Scleroderma is thought to be an autoimmune disease. This means the symptoms are caused by the body attacking its own healthy tissues. Genes play a role in the disease, but it is not passed on from parents to children. Some environmental factors may also play a role.

What are the symptoms of scleroderma?

Scleroderma can lead to scarring of the skin, joints, and internal organs. Symptoms can occur a bit differently in each person, and may include:

• Thickening and swelling of the tips of the fingers
• Pale and tingly fingers that may turn numb when exposed to cold or during emotional upset (Raynaud's phenomenon)
• Joint pain
• Taut, shiny, darker skin on large areas, that may cause problems with movement
• Spider veins
• Calcium bumps on the fingers or other bony areas
• Frozen (immobile) fingers, wrists, or elbows due to scarring of the skin
• Sores on fingertips and knuckles
• Grating noise as inflamed tissues move
• Scarring of the esophagus, leading to heartburn and trouble swallowing
• Scarring of the lungs, leading to shortness of breath
• Heart failure and abnormal heart rhythms
• Kidney disease

The symptoms of scleroderma can be like other health conditions. Make sure to see your health care provider for a diagnosis.

How is scleroderma diagnosed?

The process starts with a medical history and a physical exam. Diagnosis is based on the changes in the skin and internal organs. An antibody test may help show the type of scleroderma. Tests may also be done, such as:

• Electrocardiogram (EKG or ECG). This test records the electrical activity of the heart, shows abnormal rhythms, and detects heart muscle damage. An EKG may be done to find changes in the heart muscle tissue due to scleroderma.
• Echocardiogram. This test uses sound waves to create a moving image of the heart and its valves. It is done to look at the structure and function of the heart.
• X-ray. This test uses a small amount of radiation to create images of internal tissues, bones, and organs. X-rays may show changes in bone, soft tissues, and organs caused by scleroderma.

How is scleroderma treated?

Treatment will depend on your symptoms, your age, and your general health. Treatment may include:

• Nonsteroidal, anti-inflammatory medications or corticosteroids, to relieve pain
• Penicillamine, to slow the skin thickening process and delay damage to internal organs
• Immunosuppressive medications, such as methotrexate
• Treatment of specific symptoms, such as heartburn and Raynaud’s phenomenon
• Physical therapy and exercise, to maintain muscle strength
• Talk with your health care providers about the risks, benefits, and possible side effects of all medications.

What are the complications of scleroderma?

With localized scleroderma, some symptoms may get better over time. However, damage to skin and other organs may be permanent. With systemic sclerosis, symptoms can over time lead to damage to the skin and cause thickened, tight skin. This can change your appearance. And it can cause movement problems. It can also cause severe kidney, lung, digestive, or heart problems. In some cases, these organ problems can lead to death.

Living with scleroderma

Systemic scleroderma is a long-term condition. It is important that you learn ways to best manage your symptoms. Learn about the disease and work with health care providers who have experience with scleroderma. Because scleroderma can affect so many systems of the body, you may need to have many specialists on your health team. Physical and occupational therapists may help you with managing your activities of daily living. Make sure that you and other team members are in regular touch with each other. If you are not able to manage your care, pick a trusted person to oversee your care. Make sure to address your emotional well-being, too. Do not hesitate to ask for help when you need it.

When should I call my health care provider?

If your symptoms get worse or you have new symptoms, let your health care provider know.

Key points about scleroderma

• Scleroderma causes abnormal growth of connective tissue. It can affect the joints, skin, and internal organs.
• Scleroderma can affect one area of the body, or affect the whole body.
• There is no cure for scleroderma. Treatment is focused on relieving pain and slowing down damage to the body.

Next steps

Tips to help you get the most from a visit to your health care provider:

• Before your visit, write down questions you want answered.
• Bring someone with you to help you ask questions and remember what your provider tells you.
• At the visit, write down the names of new medicines, treatments, or tests, and any new instructions your provider gives you.
• If you have a follow-up appointment, write down the date, time, and purpose for that visit.
• Know how you can contact your provider if you have questions.

Whole Milk? staying body positive

my favorite cousins came by today, the Tooson Sisters.  Same age as big sister.  so total bad asses and old school.

They like girl where your booty at, you need to drink some whole milk!

Well first off that is genius, I am going to get some whole milk.

Second, unlike all these people who are so addicted that looking thin is healthy, it was refreshing to have my cousins speak on it as I see it.  Being PLUS size positive.

now if we can get them together on good hair vs bad hair internal racism ish

It takes a Village

How am I making this all work?
All the people.

Joe Ferg dropping me off at rehab for Lucy to pick me up. Lisa going to the NP appointments with Dr. Laura, while getting picked up by Jack to attend a community event.  Sister staying a week to help fix basement and help me with the house.  Marium going over my medical records.  Tammy and Lisa referring mental health help.

Beth dropping off emergency icecream.  Friends dropping my like Lyndsay and Amanda.  Adina sending her husband to drop off gifts and Love.  Elaine and Ben dropping off Groceries.

Packages and notes in the mail.

prayers from the inner circle

Paul coming through.

I mean the list is endless.

it is because it takes all that urban fam and fam support when something like this happens.

Is there a lot of pain....yes.

Every paperwork set or meeting with a medical professional they ask me about my pain.  I tell them it's manageable. At rehab they give me cards while working out and I point to 1~20 how much pain I'm in. I don't know how to answer them because I never been in this much constant pain before.


A gal pal asked was it like period pain. Period pain is more localized. There are days my whole body feels like it's shutting down and i won't be able to reboot it. I don't FEEL like getting out of bed. With the Meds I'm not getting more than 4 hours of sleep. That's not good for anyone or healing. Fatigue, dizziness and being lightheaded is my pig pen dust that's always around me.

Sometimes I feel like crying. But mama pat always said someone else has it worse than me. That doesn't mean I can't cry but it resonates with me to engage the pain differently. Pain reminding me that I am alive.


"There goes a fighter"

How To Help?

Thanks for everyone who has been outreaching and sending their love.

Many of you are like what can I do?

Honestly, I will be direct.

I cant drive yet, so Amazon gift cards, Giant Eagle and Kroger are awesome because I can get stuff delivered to my house.

but prayers, love and notes of inspiration your texts etc have been great.

thank you!!

"I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself"

D.H. Lawrence

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”

This poem on self pity comes to mind when folks as me questions about the metaphysical.  "are you mad at G-d?" "How long will it take for you to get better?"  "YOU LOOK ok." 

Annie asked me a better question, what am I learning about this?

I actually had not taken the head space to think about that.

I always viewed myself as a strong willed person with a strong test.

I believe LIFE is a TEST and  TRUST.  If this is one of my tests, I feel I have passed it.  ha.  

If it had not been for my history that was full of tests I would not probably have survived what happened to me.  Each time I get knocked down, and in this case, OUT for real, is preparing me for GREATER.

Dr. Briggs Phillips, psychologist, asked me to pick my word for 2016, and it was ANOINTED. 

People live in fear, I am not afraid to die, it is living that is hard.  And not having enough of it.

Im confident to take risks that others may not take bc my whole life struggle has been if I dont do it, who am I?

This episode asks me who am I?  What am I made of?

As I plan to take my life back, you have to assess what you are made of.  our circumstances to define how we self determine

Brain over cane 

when those doctor and hospital bills start rolling in

but you are like =, I am worth it

Lisa and I waiting on my NP appt checkin on those numbers.

CHEERIOS
in my purse a lot.
helps to get my calories in and actually calms my stomach. folks should try it.

pic credit to: Yvonne Delaney