Four

I don't even know.

My body just feels like it betrayed itself.

You know, everything that could go wrong has kind of gone wrong.

Blood pressure. Kidneys.

What else? Everything.

Strength reduction. Wound dressings. Abdominal surgery.

And yet I still hold faith.

So, I appreciate privacy and prayer as I try to work through this. Because I don't have answers.

Shit.

There was no dignity in that death.

This third hospital stay broke my spirit. It robbed me of my humanity. Every day I felt that jail close in on me. Blood was taken 118 times without my consent. I was limited mobility in a bed that didn't fit my body   Just treated like a catered being.  I asked for a chaplain and mental health support. In the two weeks I was there it never happen. I mostly sat in my own misery. Tubes down my throat. Not being able to communicate. Unfamiliar with the pain that attacked my body.  These wounds physically manifesting


When u get out of surgery your family doesn't get contacted

You could have just died.

As I paint the story of this recovery, over time. I will be u recognizable to u.  This journey is different

She wakes and now there is a walker ...

it is so important to tell your own story. it is the first day living at the hospital for several weeks trying not to die.
I been so so sick I have allowed for no real update.

This is the third time Death has come and has failed.

I dont have much to say because tubes were removed yesterday for me to even talk out loud.
I havent eaten really food in three weeks

I am on the mend.  be patient.  stress can kill and weaken you so please respect my space as I heal.  please dont text me a ton or attack my close friends who know more.

I will update on the blog as I have done.  but yes, this time was the worst.

evening meds are so hard

still retraining my body to be home, to think about eating food, and to take these evening meds

it would be different if they make you fall asleep.  but drugs dont really do that to me.
when they SHOCKED me in the hospital to check my device, and they had to put me under, they were like, we cant believe how long it took you to go under,

yeah, just pain and suffering

i hate medicine

mixing my own poison to treat self

i havent eaten real food in about two weeks.  its bad bc you need food.  i like food.  and to take meds im suppose to eat food

you have to know your own body.
it took days getting home for me to even have the energy to think through what the doctors randomly are prescribing me and giving me.

saturday morning, I think, I THINK i may have done some good by my belly.

but it takes time.

my intestines went through it in the hospital and needed time to chill out and recallobrate
and the right mix of meds

at least im not vomiting nothing anymore!!!

I'm poor, black; I may even be ugly. But dear God! I'm here! I'm here!

quotes from books written by bell hooks and alice walker

when you realize that there are so many fake people in your life.  most the time you dont care, or you are not even paying attention.

sometimes the realness is funny and real:
Lisa when she saw me with my tooth, her response, classic,  clearly im snaggled tooth for now.

fake folks:  how are you?  and when you dont say fine, they are so surprised.

bitch, my body is broken, my heart broke, my insides are screaming and you want me to make you feel good?

nope

im shitty.

if you ask me the question, im going to give you the realest i have in me

my tooth is broken,  I dont have time for you

"The devil whispered in my ear, 'You are not strong enough for the storm.' Today I whispered in the devil's ear, 'I am the storm.'"

suffering teaches you alot about yourself and those around you.
for the ceiling spinning and the sickest times where the bed becomes a welcome tomb.

not sleeping seven days.  not eating 4-5 days.  it takes you the fuck out.

who knows about recovering.

but we can be a storm.
define ourselves

and let others report off of us

grateful and finally home

imagine the worst pain you been through.  emotional, spiritual, and physical together.  i can only say that this week gave me a great wrestle with DEATH,  Just like when you take your car in, they find something else wrong.

bionic heart, check
intestines are slow, get that fixed so u can eat, check
your heart isnt beating right, we are going to shock you, oh, and out you to sleep, check
your nose is fracture, check
your head got split open, 3 stitches, check
tooth broke twice, check
6 IVs, check,
multiple of blood when i wasnt eating (ever 15 minutes, poked for blood for 12 hours, do the math), check

still not eating...
tired as fuck
cant move, but happy to be home.
thanks to all the homies who had my back and were present or showed up.  I am happy every day to be alive.

integrated health fail dentistry need

when i fell at the union, i HELLA BROKE my tooth.
the attending was not helpful.  thank the LORD for friends who are dentists and have friends to come patch ish up

more feedback I have for my hospital stay

#sharptooth
#landbeforetime
#meateater

Becoming Iron Man: BIG turn in my journey

I did fall out at the union, and it was related to my myriad of health issues.  Thank God there were grad student nurses who called 911 and came to my wounds.
oh wounded.

yes, I chipped a front tooth from the fall.  I fractured bones in my nose.  I have a laceration on my forehead with stitches.  my body aches from hitting the cement.  but I survived.

The EMT arrived and I got to OSU ER, again.

As I got my tooth temporarily fixed, I got all the tests and consults.  I was moved to the Ross this afternoon. (With much drama, but that is another blog)

This time tomorrow I should be a kind of Iron (wo)Man.  I am getting a dual device put in my body to help my heart.

I am okay with this, I have made piece with it.

I will be able to drive in 48 hours but will be in an arm sling for seven days, restrictions for a month to start.

but this rehab and recovery has got to be better than what I been through, Death and back.  Death knocking at the door again.  but I refuse.
Even though my face looks like I was in a fight with Ice Cube's character from Boyz in the Hood, I am confident.

greater is He than me.

but my shoes are dope

oh, I need this cane

I forgot my cane yesterday.
ANd I realized how much  I need it.  the support prevents me from physically wearing all the way out.

well i slept for 12 hours after a no cane day.  which I may have needed, but I had zero strength to fight through it

Toxic People and Relationships

nothing more to say here.

cry in the car/pump yourself up

sometimes you have to encourage yourself, the Word tells us that and I believe it.

these days, I have a little weepiness in car, get it together, and beyonce perform all that ish.

people dont care that you are tired, broken, and barely functioning.  folks are focused mostly on what they get out of you.

(yes there are people who care and friends and family, but they are not your all day life)

I been telling people forever to fake it til they make it

that is so true.

The Track of My Tears (native, pain, and sick)

when you are chronically ill, you perform wellness for folks...until you give zero fucks.  I have hit the zero this week.
i havent felt this bad since I left the hospital.  I have lost ten pounds in four days bc I basically have stopped eating.
the side effects from the latest med is worse than all the others.  the pain from my disease coupled with this GI explosion of every issue and now my body is not absorbing nutrients from the food I am eating.

This affects my energy.  I feel like nothing.  moving hurts.  NOTHING sounds good to eat.   i dont hunger.   i dont thirst.  I have forced myself to eat some things so I can take all these meds, but i am more concerned food is dying in my fridge and being gross than actually eating anything.

and every meeting I make it to, every project I read through I am on fumes.  I am willing myself to do this.  I feel like shit.

I barely made through today.  I am hoping things get on the upswing.

I think of the this song, it is probably the romantic version of "we wear the mask"

People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Since you left me if you see me with another girl
Seeming like I'm having fun
Although she may be cute

She's just a substitute
Because you're the permanent one
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

Attitude of Gratitude

forgiveness and gratitude go hand in hand.
there is a website that can help folks who struggle with this, but I have always written notes and cards since I was a kid.

keeping a gratitude journal since my mama died has been key too.

there is a joy to giving, but make sure that it is balanced.


attitude of gratitude

some days I cannot even will my own body

a big girl that is malnourished is an interesting prose.
but that is my life.
today I ate enough watermelon to take my meds.
and then i was done for the day.  so sick from the disease I just had to lay there and be in pain.

pain get so bad, you pass out from it overwhelming you.

that was what happen to me today.

and then you get better, and motivate yourself to move on.

side effects contd crass warning

the new med this week has raged havoc on my stomach.  I have barely eaten all week.  its a wonder that I am still mobile.


but in the mean time, if my stomach, Elvis, could talk, he would say these jokes:

Somore "side effects"

when Life kicks you in the ass, will your Will break?

being handicapped has made me have to adapt a lot of the way that I live my life.  I have to come up with ways that I can do every day things I use to do with some ways that will help me out.
pictured here is the red cart.  I use to just use this for prison work, ha, now its like every day.  groceries from the car?
more than two bags has to be the cart.

DONT let IT break you.  you just have to keep reinventing yourself everyday.

even when it makes you sad to wrestle with it.

"ready to die" biggie smalls

A conversation that Biggie Smalls has with himself but the underlining is the suicidal thoughts, which is through many of his songs, unfortunately, on this album, revealing him wrestling with his demons.

All that being said.

Wrestling with Death in itself should not be a bad thing.
I finally own a couple of things so I got the info to make a will.
that is adulting.

the maturity it takes to talk about Death.

" I aint afraid to die, is not havin enough time of livin'"  and that is exactly how I feel.  Living on the borrowed time but making the most of it in the way that I want to.

Sure I could be resting more and traveling or what ever, but that isnt my swag.
that isnt my mission
that isnt my purpose.  and if I dont live my purpose, than who am I?

Now do I need more balance, sure, Im human.  but disease and a failed heart will not be used as an excuse to keep moving.  some days are just better than most.

PINK day, pictured here where I look like a fuchsia bottle of pepto .... you cant LOOK well, wellness is hard for a look, I am not well, that is the truth.  slow.  sick.  angry.  weak.  but can i do fashion,

BEST BELIEVE DIVA status.  hah a

for colored girls who have considered suicide/When the rainbow is enuf : Life is Hard

“but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/ do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of soul & gender..."

Knowing my auto immune disorder "expresses" differently in women of color than other groups is not of comfort.  this wasting disease, which a person asked me today, "well dr patty, what if you didnt do any rehab or any of this work, it just seems like a lot"

I paused and composed myself so I could confidently say what needed to be said:
I would die.

one of the reasons I have to push back again the obsession folks have with my smaller body is that this smaller body is not a healthy body.  
If I stop, if the DIVA inside stops, I stop.  my body would continue to deteriorate and I would die.
That is the flesh reality of my situation.

So when I asked today the specialist, how long will it take for me to get to the part of me that carried and flipped human bodies teaching self defense?  the answer:
years.

YEARS.

yes.  so when people ask be benign questions of "are you better"
nah, bitch, i aint better.
everyday is a mother fuckin gift and struggle.
I have conquered Death but that Evil is straight at the door knockin, waiting for me to slip up.

whew, it's the steroids, :)  but for real.  I appreciate the well intended, but chronic illness is hard and people want me to be better NOW.
DONT U THINK I WANT TO BE BETTER NOW.  I want to cane around.  I want to be a fall risk.  I want a heart at 35%?
get out.
take all the seats.

Lord, please bless this house and all that I care about Holy Talk

I really appreciate the Kamrass family bc I needed this Biblical fix for my soul.
this Mezuzah will go at my door.  and as a visual reminder and ask for G-d's blessing.  

"i just want them to know that they didnt break me" -pretty in pink

this movie has so many great lines
not just rooted in teenage angst but lines that have truth and power in them

so many folks who are against you, who act like they are for you, will try to break you.

kill em with kindness (selena gomez, shocking i know)

and think of this line.

you may be broken, but NO one has the right to see you broken

and in some cases you can be strategic and know your own story well enough to know, they didnt break you...

taking a poverty course online out of stanford

Im taking this course as part as my recovery.  this blog IS called BRAIN and my cane.

I need that classroom stimulation of more information and forcing my brain to think critically about new things and ideas.  Stanford does alot around money, and I really dont teach that way.

REcovery is more than my physical and emotional body.  If I am not stimulated mentally, that is as good as gone for me

More with the Color Purple

“I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it. People think pleasing God is all God cares about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.” 
― Alice Walker, The Color Purple

When watching the complicated movie based on the book I love I have a weekend watch epiphany with the literary work that helped reshape and think through relationships, historical racism, misogyny, family, and the power of sisterhood. With that insight comes through restoration and forgiveness. In this quote I hear the depth of the connection to the Divine. That this relationship as a rubric for how we should view all relationships. That the best relationships are reciprocal and are liberatory. When we welcome the freedom of ourselves we can be a part of the liberation of others.

my talk in youngstown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uG4XPvDh97o&feature=youtu.be

What you can make your body do sick is amazing

Bananas in Pajamas

I was so sick today.
For me to cancel meetings and not get out of bed is a first for me since coming back to work,

VOmiting for two hours in the early morning is NOT idea.  esp. when you have not been eating.  it was awful

the chills
the spills

and now feeling even more behind

but i listened to my body and that is better than I have done

then I attended two evening meetings in pajamas.  whatever.  it was that or dont go.

the bane of my existence is this harness, but its part of keeping me alive

folks wanted to know what the little machine is connected to, well this is my hunchback of notre dame.  it will shock me if my heart stops but it prevents any sense of fashion.

measuring and assessing

Friday my PT was measuring my gains in the past 3 months.  With Legs I have made great gains and I was pleased despite the abuse of the disease on my body.

ARMS and upper body.  basically no gain.
I still cant lift much weight.  my muscles are still gone.  there is no way I can lift myself from the ground.  I am a FALL RISK.  like im 80 years old.  no there are 80 year olds in better shape.

sigh.

keep working.   keep grinding.

Medicine is a practice. You are the Master of your own body

TED talk on medically knowing your own body

this ted talk is great to think with and against

Doctors are not the experts of your body

it is scary, but take control.

People dont believe HOW sick you are

great conversation with my friend Alfred after a board meeting.  people still having no clue how sick I am or that just bc I live a life where I dont want to be viewed as dead, that i am somehow OK.

well, I am not ok.

It is a struggle everyday.
depends on the day, depends how I respond to your dumb ass answer.

dont you see I am wearing this robot still?
or this cane?

Why do you think I look so great in this dress for?  cause I have a smaller body?  bitch I almost died/did die.

lets stop assuming that the skinnier body is healthy.  I keep pushing against this and getting no where, sometimes even with medical professionals.

is the fashion on point outside wearing these shoes cause I cant stand to fit any others, sure.  but dont think this cane and robot mean I am well.

Poverty Class on a Sunday

Part of Recovery is choosing relationships everyday over stuff like how I feel.  DID I FEEL like going to the womens soccer game and prepping food for students etc, NO.
but the sacrifice and gains for supporting these women was worth the extensive exhaustion I now feel.

more than I can say (or do) when you dont know

I have talked to several people this week, who were like, I wanted to reach out, but felt bad that time had passed... or they didn't know what to say...

Let me spend some time and thought here.  not for me per se.  but if I were a friend to someone like me what that would that look like...


1. Acquaintance.  you know that person.  follow them on snapchat.  but dont hang out.  I feel like a text, email or totally fine in reaching out.  lets not over state the relationship.

2. If I am a work colleague of yours but we dont hang out outside of work, I would probably get folks together to give the sick person something they needed.  which if you are sick, is prob money, food, or an actual thing.

3. If the person sick is a fam member, showing up and asking should be done.  period.  even if you are estranged.  if they aint about the right, dont make time for that ish, will make you prob sicker

4. If it is a romantic partner, you should be able to articulate the needs from one another, and if a sickness breaks your relationship, then they were not worth it.  you should not have to always ASK.  I know for some that just as exhaustive as being sick.

5. Urban fam generally will ask you what you need and will be on top of it.

6. at the end of the day sick folks got to suck up the pride and just ask for what we need..  it is hard, but literally, you only live once

my petition

People try to hard.
folks try to hard to be happy.

I have found fulfillment in pursuing my purpose.  When I follow my search for meaning the fulfillment is more sustaining than happiness which is fleeting.

This article is great to think with and against
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/01/theres-more-to-life-than-being-happy/266805/?utm_source=atlfb


at the end of the day I simply have a petition.  to at this point of my life, not die, but the other part is best articulated by Jill Scott who says beautifully the interconnection of race, politics, patriotism, ecology, gender, relationships, safety, and romantic accountability.  ONE song can contain all of that.  that's so boss and so in my own thoughts that I move through life with one petition that covers many things.





"My Petition"

You say you mean good for me
But you don't do it
You say you have a plan but you just don't go thru with it
You say you know the way to go
And I should follow
But all of your empty promises
Leave me hollow

And oh
How do I trust you
How do I love you
When you
Lie to me repeatedly
And oh
How do I have faith, in you
When you just don't come thru
Like you say you could

Oh, say can you see [2x]

You say that I'm wrong for
Stating my opinion to you
You say that I'm wrong and there'll be quiet consequences too
But I know my rights babe
There'll be no law abridging
The freedom of my speech
Or the right for me to petition for a remedy of grievances

And I want to trust you
I want to love yeah
But you lie to me repeatedly
And oh I want to have faith in you
But you just don't come thru
Like you said you could
Oh say can you see
Hmmm

I want fresh fruit, clean water,
Air that I don't see
I want the feeling of being safe on my streets
I want my children to be smarter than me
I want, I want to feel
I want to feel, I want to feel free
For real ya'll
I'm just telling you so you know
I want to, I want to have faith in you
I really do but you keep lying to me
It hurts
I believe, I believe you owe it me
Give it to me like you said you would
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Hmmm
Oh say can you see
Oohh say can you see
Hmmm
By the dawn's early light

Thursday rehab are the hardest days

after I just am sotired from the week and my body is just so broken I want to sleep.

most folks seemed to be energized after working out, I just want a freakin nap.

#norestfortheweary

First round of Cardiac Rehab under belt reflection

I finished my first round of 36 sessions of cardiac rehab, Beth is right.   I may not be where I want to be but I have come a long way so far.

I still am over doctors.  I feel with my MRI coming up this week, I am at a loss of where I am.  I am going through the motions if recovering wellness and there isnt a rubric.

Loving yourself is hard sometimes when you esp. dont recognize the current self.

breathe through it.

and remember you are more than your reflection

"Be not discouraged black women of the world, but push forward, regardless of the lack of appreciation shown you." Amy Garvey 1925

I have found that most the time you will not get recognized for the work you do or the love you give to the world.  but what I do know is that some times, quietly there are folks along the way who say thank you in the way that you need to hear it.  That you get a glimpse of glory. the opportunity to hear the quiet in a storm that reminds you, you are doing the right thing.  encouragement comes, you have to be in the mental headspace to hear it and/or see it.  #blessed

What is strength if you have never been weak?

preparing for rehab this morning was hard because my energy level was so low.
People who know me know i basically create energy.
I basically divide cells into themselves
I literally turn hydrogen into helium


but now its like a black hole, that somehow I had used all this energy and it turned in on itself.
(perhaps my friend chris the astrophysicist would give me hope and tell me all my energy is cold dark matter now, ha)

but for real.

I DONT REGRET.  I been asked do I regret not being more selfish.

I say I would regret not being fully who I am.
so I will take days that I have low energy.  Fake some of it.

am i too tired to enjoy life ?

Life is a test.  Life is a trust.

Many times whenyou are a soldier, activist, like me, you sacrifice and give up aspects of Life that others live and take for granted.  pushing another meeting in, in order to meet with another person in order to have the opportunity to help others.

people say that oh, you should not do all that and self care, help yourself.


I know in the end, there is just the end.  no person is gonna light a candle for me.
Anna Julia Cooper said in 1890, in her book a voice from the south, when and where i enter, my whole race enters with me...
she understood that if she made space, its space for all people.

im not one to sit on my talents.  If I am having a good day,  I will exhaust it with the excellence that is in me.

That means by end of day, my body is beaten, swollen (literally) and it hurts to do little things.
but I rather be in pain when I had done my best, then in pain and I sat on my talents.

Womens Master Class questions. I felt some of these are reflective for anyone. think it through

Questions for Dr. Patricia Cunningham

1. How would you describe Patricia Cunningham the undergraduate? Who was

she as a student/person?

2. What is your reason for supporting and educating women in the OSU

community?

3. Tell us about your women’s leadership course. How does this course help to

bridge the gap in women’s leadership that we see in today’s society?

4. Can you name a time in your life where you felt you had to be strong for

everyone but no one was strong for you?

5. What advice would you give your 20-year- old self?

6. What are some tips you would give women about asking for help?

7. Why can being the “strong” one all the time be inauthentic and unhealthy?

8. In your opinion, do you think it is selfish to put yourself first?

9. Can you name a time in your life when you had to practice self-care?

10. What inspires you to help others?

11. What collegiate advice would you give women in regards to being healthy

emotionally and mentally?

shout out to all the gifts, cards and LOVE from the homies

praise and love shout out.

Thanks to Nicky Smolter, Amanda Baker, Alexandra Treff-F, my Cousin Demica, Sister, brandon smith,  and all the other homies who have sent cards, gifts, time spent and support.  Thank you so much.

I appreciate yall as i continue to recover.

how the handicapped girl takes out trash ....

I cant lift over ten pounds in general and by scription.

thats ok.
I have a cane that helps me get the trashcan open in the alley.  and then i slide the bag up the side and tip it in.
it takes more time then you think.

but it is those little things that im like, I can do it.

and NO one likes taking out the trash.  well try it handicapped

and yes i do recycle people.....

a good food day looks like this

The Ability to have breakfast: hard boiled eggs, breakfast meat, hash potatoes, juice tea.

snack: a biscuit

Dinner: rice and veggies with two shrimp

Snack  : watermelon

bonus: orange soda!



sounds so insane right.  but I feel like I won

Eureka! She is handicapped but not useless

I spent saturday morning trying to figure out what was wrong with my garbage disposal.  I googled and youtubed.  BRAIN.

and was worried that my limited mobility would prevent me from fixing it, or attempting.

well, of all the shitty things that happened this week, I took one back for #teampatty
and fixed that bitch.

yes. Slay.

I would like to thank Lisa Hayes for moral support and Liza Toher's influence to make me force myself to design a plan that worked with my limited body but still execute the task #engineering

"hurts like hell" pain is relative

People always seem really shocked when I tell them:
A. pain is every day
B. I dont take the pain meds
C. repeat.


Pain is something that you can learn to live with.  it is because other pains are too much to bear.

"Someone Tried to Runaway with All my Stuff"

I know and love this quote from "for colored girls..." but for real someone tried to run away with all my stuff.
My house had an attempted burglary Friday evening.  I was traveling home.  They were using a window and tripped my alarm.

you just think, its just one more thing i dont need

Life happens.
Im safe.  the most precious thing to me at my house is my computer.  and it was cool

Police came, thanks Officer Roberts.

Get alarms for your house and your stuff people.  worth the bill every month

MinniJean and the Reflection of Self (Little Rock Nine)

I got to have dinner with MinniJean and we ordered the same cocktail and laughed at the same ratchet jokes and she spoke her WHOLE mind.  It reminded me to not be silenced by anyone despite adversity.  Although I am tired of constant policing of my voice and my body and my broken health I thank G-d for allowing me to have these moments of clarity.  In Peace a Voice comes through and reminds me that I am not alone even when I feel alone.  There is this 74 year old activist still rocking and making a difference in the world.  She is unbossed.  Lord let me walk like that. And not wait until I am older and more tired to do so.

Minnijean Brown Trickey made history as one of the Little Rock Nine, the nine African-American students whodesegregated Little Rock Central High School in 1957. The world watched as they braved constant intimidation and threats from those who opposed desegregation of the formerly all-white high school.

Minnijean Brown, the eldest of four children of Willie and Imogene Brown, was born on September 11, 1941, in Little Rock (Pulaski County). Her mother was a homemaker and nurse’s aid during the crisis, and her father was an independent mason and landscaping contractor. She is the sister of the late Bobby Brown, who was the president ofBlack United Youth (BUY) in Arkansas in the late 1960s.

Although all of the Nine experienced verbal and physical harassment during the 1957–58 academic year at Central, Trickey was first suspended, and then expelled, for retaliating against the daily torment: specifically, she called one of her tormenters “white trash.” On February 17, 1958, she moved to New York and lived with Drs. Kenneth B. and Mamie Clark, African-American psychologists whose social science research formed the basis for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) argument in the Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas case, which held that segregation harmed the self-esteem of African-American children. She graduated from New York’s New Lincoln School, a private progressive school in Manhattan, in 1959.

Brown married Roy Trickey, a fisheries biologist, on September 21, 1967; they have six children. She attended Southern Illinois University and majored in journalism. She later moved to Canada with her husband, where she received a BSW in Native Human Services from Laurentian University and an MSW in social work from Carleton University in Ontario, Canada. The couple divorced in the mid-1980s.

Trickey is a social activist and has worked on behalf of peacemaking, environmental issues, developing youth leadership, diversity education and training, cross-cultural communication, and gender and social justice advocacy. She served in the Clinton administration as Deputy Assistant Secretary for Workforce Diversity at the Department of the Interior from 1999 to 2001. She has taught social work at Carleton University in Ottawa Canada and in various community colleges in Canada.

some days are harder than others

I get back from two days of travel to showcase the department, be a keynote and do a professional development for Youngstown State University

besides being past exhaustion and definitely pushing myself to beyond what im physically capable and just doing mind over matter.

I attempted to open a cranberry juice and could not open it.  when my body is fatigued I lose basic things one is able to do... that dexterity goes first.  Its frustrating.

I know I have to do better to take care of my body.  these series of activities I use to be able to handle very easily two years ago.  its hard.  but as a person who has always given and pushed, slowing down at all is such a sense of loss.

I just drank something else.  by the way.

Missing my Mama Pat and in my feelings about it...

I am so happy that the last ten years of Mama's life I was able to have so many planned and unplanned adventures with her.
It has been over a year without her and I have started missing her in a different way.

Mama wasnt the motherly type.  Her pep talks were more for linebackers than ballerinas, but that is why I was built so tough.

But today especially, I missed my mama.
not her fussing me out, but the times she was proud of me when no one was looking.  When ever I was sick she always told me to toughin up

When I was sad about what i didnt have or what we didnt have as a family, she would remind me, " someone has it worse than us"  even standing in food lines.  Or her telling us to clean the house if we were cold in the winter.

She was creative with food, like most mamas of color from poverty.

When I wanted to grow a garden, she let me.  When I wanted to play an instrument, she let me.  IF I could do it on my own, she pretty much let me do it, teaching me autonomy and leadership and I dont think she even knew it.

her parenting methods were unparalleled and so was  her lack of them...

YET still I miss my MAMA.  and being sick, though she wasnt a person to baby me, even as the baby...
though I would grow into adulthood and take care of her...

There is something about being sick every day.  feeling like each day is a struggle to step one foot a head of the other.  a girl misses her mama.

I thank her for her strength and I miss her in my weakness.

So if you are reading, and still have a mama.  store those memories, thoughts, and events.  take lots of pics.  I am so glad I documented everything (like a well trained ethnographer)

three figures that represent me FB challenge? accepted I am NOT maternal

OH why these three you ask:

Mary Poppins is the ultimate life coach.  she was not a mom.  she took care of kids.  she was magical and carried a lot of things in her purse.  between my purse, house and office I am secure I got the mary poppins every thing.  I think her feminism matches mine in the sense of tough love, a spoon full of sugar, and that she pushed against that maternal BS.  caring for people and being a good mentor, coach etc doesnt make you maternal.  we dont say that about men.  STOP it.

Neil.  what else is there to say.  he is the homie. smart in science with a social justice lean.  I like to be interdisciplinary.  he gets me.


HOMIE the clown.  DONT F*ck with me.  its that scholar thug.  we will pop off in this piece like red hot chili peppers...  ok, im gonna blame the steroids.  but for real.  #thugnificent

When the spirit of the Lord comes upon my heart, I will dance like David (holy roller blog)

I got my G-d song back.  I was driving home from church and all His promises came to my memory.
He that wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength like an eagle that sours...

I realized that my song was not gone, but I stopped listening for it in my own sorrow.

Grieving my former self.  not knowing how to move forward.

stifled by circumstance and the physical and mental pain, searching for G-d but not remembering how to listen.  that His Word does not come back in void.  that He Loves me despite myself.
and I am grateful to conquer Death.

As I let it flood over me in waves, I also hear the voice of my therapist who said: put your hand over your heart, and forgive yourself, sending positive energy to the place that is most broken.

my physical and my metaphysical heart.

#praiseHim
#recovery
#inprogress
#heartfailure

Shower time is not adventure time

taking a shower used to be like a highlight.  work out shower.  hard day, take a shower.

shower/bathing is a chore. (shout out to tiffany h. for the shower chair pictured)

closing your eyes under hot water and just being is not a comfort of mine any more.

the meds make me dizzy if I close my eyes and stand, i probably just fall.

So i sit on this chair and have this chore.
NOte: wow bathtub cleaned post this pic, smh

take back a piece of yourself everyday #blackalumnihomecoming

though i threw this outfit together bc last night I didnt realize I didnt have any clothes.
I was out the latest I have been.

pants will make you dance

I finally feel in a good place about pants.
my pocketbook confirms that.

I think that a new wardrobe is part of reinventing a part of yourself.  a type of refreshing.

I have had to let go of the $$$$ hate and body image issues and embrace finding some dresses that fit and to have more than five pairs of pants.

after over 3 hours of shopping so slow with the cane and finding myself exhausted, I realize that shopping REALLY is cardio
and moving forward and not dwelling on the past(so much) is something we just need to do

Album Drop 2017

thanks to my brother and friends who are about to make this presentation and demonstration possible.

nosy neighbors

these fools.
got my yard done because I got a city citation for it being overgrown in the front.  REALLY city, can you pay attention to the drug epidemic and not this handicap person who struggles to just go to work and do good in the world and even on a good day HATES OUTSIDE.

fine, got the work done, cool.

apparently the worker who did a great job, cut down some random plant in the alley that they planted.  so the female neighbor hears me get out of my car and starts crying.  CRYING about i must hate them and brought up two months ago when my 80 year old uncle threatened to kill their cats etc.

my uncle threatens to kill everyone and everything,  and he is 80 he can get away with that.  how is she intimidated by this old dude.  but whatev

this woman is crying about my uncle from something he said in first week of july, her animal kingdom and wild life in tact.  she is like ummm we think you hate us.

heifer.

I almost died this summer.  been sick for a long time.  my mama died and I am trying to help folks.  you think i have time for you.  I DONT EVER THINK about you.  EXCEPT right now when you are crying about some plants and your animals that come in my yard all the time and I allow that ish.

She was like OHHHH we didnt know.  its none of your business.

then her HUSBAND thought it was a real nice to comment on my body "OH you lost a lot of weight"  me: well i almost died and my FAT saved my life.
Husband: oh well I have to go to work.

yeah, get out of my face with that bullshit.

i offered to compensate them for those weeds in the alley, they declined based on the fact that DEATH lives next door.

maybe they think its contagious.

scar tissue that I didnt even see

The folks who draw blood, and there is a name for it...
this one was noticing I had a lot of scar tissue around a vein.  the one they like to use on repeat esp. when in the hospital.

I was shocked because I didnt know that was something that could happen.

note to self, hospital scars take a long time.  physical and mental.  to heal.

body image cartoon that resonated

body image and being sick
has been a big thing for me.


this cartoon panel hits it with the obsession of bodies in the US


Im gonna eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich now

"Last Night a DJ saved my life"

Singing with my sophomores was not just a good time, it reminded me the most of my former self.  The self that is silly and vain and performance Driven.

I dont have my full vocal range back from the lung issues, but I also dont practice enough.

But DIVA night with my STEP group made my day and we crushed it.

#leadershipasperformance

healing hands of friendships

There is the spiritual laying of hands, that im down for and connected to with my Lord.  Thanks big G.

However, there is something so cosmic about human connection that allows for that metaphysical healing that comes from real friendship and talking about everything and nothing.

I love discussing how to change the world, but you have to make room to talk about peeing yourself at a 5k running, periods, panties, families, dogs, the kids, bananas, wine and whine.

this investment is what allows for us to be sustained.  you cannot live on bread alone.  Amen.

I didnt even recognize you.... thats not a compliment

it's already bad enough I dont recognize myself in the mirror most times, what I dont need is one more person saying home different I look.  Keep that shit to yourself.

again, the more I move through this world handicapped I can see the short sitedness of others and I just make them feel awful giving no f*cks

ohm thanks, well I almost died this year.
uh huh
yeah
big body saved me

as I prepare for my doctors appt Monday, Im in the fight for my life, do you really think Im gonna care about your feelings when you open your mouth with foolishness.

every day i am alive is a win

one of my mentors has been reading up about my auto immune disorder.  yes, it can kill me.  that is totally possible.  I had to ask him to stop going down that rabbit hole bc it is a scary path to go.

in the past month my body has wasted away another 15 pounds that I was not trying to lose.
if it is muscle mass, then we know it is a connection to the disorder.  and it is also harder for me to manage that I cannot control.

Im not doing a good job with stress/work management.  That is on me.
As I prepare for another Doctor visit monday, I hope I can do a better job.
That I can get in front of the disease that potentially wants to take my life.

you have to do things afraid.

youre the most compliant patient with life vest

I was rehab'ing next to two ladies today and it was like a therapy group session.  we shared our WAR stories.
I learned some things I have to investigate and ask doctors.  Like "we are increasing your meds to levels to see if you tolerate it" what does it mean?  and since I am maxed out, what does it mean or me to tolerate it?

IS that why I get all the side affects?  I am fighting a different battle of saying yes to some suffering for long term gain?  well bring it on



what was nice was talking to these ladies because even though its not the same situation, we have similar warrior wounds...

"To hold a grudge is like chain smoking hate" word.

forgiveness is always for YOU.
doesnt mean you dont create new structure to be helpful.


this quote was from a year ago and rings really true this week.
keep it moving.

Real House Wives recovers my life

People through around self care.  when you grow up from poverty and develop a chronic disease, you are still like, what is self care?
Why do rich people and therapists keep talking about it.

I still havent bought all the way in even when I suggest it for other people.

But I have to record that real house wives and all my reality TV has been a big part of recovery.

There have been times where my brain was too fuzzy to read or do work that I wasnt suppose to be doing any way.

The redic'ness of these folks lives made me feel pretty good about my own.

yes, all my shit is broken, but i still got like pride, integrity and like real friends.


recovery sometimes has to include what the French call, the art of doing nothing...
and they should know because they have those 25-30 hour work weeks.  hahaha

but for real.  sometimes you just have to be and that is the best medicine

Electric boogaloo

My auto immune disorder positions me to run cold.  Being undiscovered for three years it all makes sense now.  Well this is my third electric blanket.  I burnt out the first two which could be a dirty joke but for real it is from over use from being cold.
I used it for the first time this weekend, yep if its under 70 degrees I want a heated experience.

its nuts bc different room temperatures would make me heat up or sweat.

I just remember what uncle laffy says, "pain reminds you, you are alive"

I am so alive body thanks, we can work on toning it down a bit.

the jail you plan for me is the one you gonna rot in: honor your truth

I spend a lot of time in my own head these days.  The trauma of Death breathing on my three months ago still stings.

When your heart breaks does your Heart break?

Is it the steroids that has lowered my tolerance for people's lies, excuses, and policing of me and others I care about.  ha.  dont even care.

In my former self I really believed in the good in others.  that folks are not trying to stab you in the back.  I believed in best intentions.

But since I almost died, I see EVERYTHING differently. Snakes in the grass.  people trying to sabotage the work you do or even an idea you can have.  wth.

no matter what you do to invest in others and help, you may get trapped by their perceptions or plans for you.  NO

control your destiny.  Protect yourself.  surround yourself with real homies.  fake folks will betray you.

#lessonslearnedwhileinrecovery


and then The Color Purple just takes you there:

The Color Purple: The Jail You Planned for Me...

things that happen to your body (picture of finger ulcer so dont look if you get squeemish )

So what happens with my auto immune disorder, is that if my fingers get to cold I can develop ulcers, or open wounds on my fingers like this one.  they last a long time.  they hurt.  

So that is why you see me in gloves.  Sometimes I do a poor job protecting my hands because its a new thing to always try to wear gloves when your hands are cold.  but this is the result.  dead summer but a hole in my finger anyway.  

still kicking though.